My dad has been gone 2 months. I have felt quite hopeless lately. I make it through the day. I even have happy moments. Life doesn't stop. But I have been on the edge. I have felt lost. I miss him.
I think people get a lot of things wrong about death. Maybe everyone just has their own experience. I surely wouldn't agree that time makes it easier. Sure, you find a new normal. You get up and go to work and do what you've got to do. But it's not easy. You don't miss them less. Time just makes it seem more real. They aren't coming back.
Presence has been a big misconception for me too. People make it seem like their loved ones are "there" constantly. I wasn't feeling that. I was not feeling it in the least bit. I actually have never felt more alone and abandoned by someone. Of course I know it wasn't his choice, I don't blame him. But I couldn't feel my dad around. Not one second of one day.
Today, 44 days later, I finally FINALLY felt him. He was here today. I am 100% sure of that.
Before he passed away, my dad told us to watch for hawks and red birds. I have looked high and low. Nothing.
So here we are today. Jesse and I celebrated our anniversary a day early. Three years we've been married! We decided that Chama Gaucha would be our new go to spot for an anniversary feast! We first went there for dad's birthday. Being there made me miss him. I wish he could've been helping babysit Wesleigh while we were out.
When we got home, we went outside to take our annual anniversary photo. After we took the picture, we were hanging out playing with Wesleigh and her new bubble gun when I saw it.
A red bird. A beautiful, lone red bird.
He was there today. My dad. I know it was him, sending us a sign. An anniversary sign. How could he not today? He was a big supporter of our marriage. I know he loved Jesse like he was his own. I know he genuinely thinks Jesse is my perfect match. I know he thinks we'll make it for the long haul.
Today, my faith was restored. My hope returned. A tiny piece of my broken heart was healed. I am now a believer. Loved ones may not get to make their presence known every day, but they are there when you need it most. They are there to pull you back from the edge right when you feel like you're about to fall. When you feel like giving up, they'll make sure you hang on for one more day.
Today was a good day. An honest to God good day. I got to celebrate my marriage over a beautiful lunch with my husband. I came home to my sweet little soul of a daughter, and dad graced us with his presence.
I hope when I feel like my hope is fading, I can hold onto this moment until the next one comes.
