But then....

SURPRISE!! 

Yep, 4 tests say I'm PREGNANT! Say what!? So here I am, making another top secret post until we decide to announce (which is becoming increasingly more difficult because I want to scream it from the mountaintops). 

I could hardly believe it. My period still hadn't shown by Saturday so I decided to take the last test we had in the apartment. I knew I'd be testing so I hardly slept a wink. I was up extra early and snuck out of bed to test. Longest three minutes ever. I turned on a timer and promised myself I wouldn't look until three minutes had passed. I prayed. I prayed for a happy, healthy baby. I prayed for God's timing. I prayed for peace. Of course I was also teary eyed. Then, after three, extra long, minutes I got the courage to look at the test. As you can see, it was positive! I cried. I was so shocked because I was so convinced that a stressful week had led to a missing period. 

When we first decided to start TTC, I had lots of ideas of how to tell Jesse. I decided on a t-shirt. I ordered a shirt that says, "This guy is going to be a daddy." I had it all ready for whenever I'd need it. So Saturday morning I grabbed the box and threw my positive test in with the shirt. I hurried into the bedroom and woke him (we had to be up early because it was his mom's wedding day!). I told him I had gotten him a little gift in honor of his mom's wedding day (I had to come up with something haha). 

He opened it while I recorded. He giggled the most perfect, adorable giggle and said, "Great baby." I had to tell him there was more in the box besides the test. After he saw the shirt, of course I hopped in bed for a hug :) I think at 5:30am it was a lot to take in haha

Well, to complicate things, we only had a little time to be so incredibly excited because we still had to get dressed and ready to go out of town, where we'd have to keep our mouths shut pretty much all day about our new little secret. Boy was it tough! My mom rode with us (and her wee little new grand baby bean) so we didn't even have the car ride to process out loud what we had just found out. My sister in law is pregnant and due in just a couple of weeks so there was lots of talk about pregnancy, babies, and pregnant ladies. Of course I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs, "I'M PREGNANT TOO!" But of course, we didn't want to steal my mother in law's thunder and we also want to wait until we go to the doctor and are probably 8 weeks along.

So all day we were quiet. We stopped by the store on the way home to get more tests because I'm crazy and needed lots of proof. Then when we got home, we rejoiced. I prayed some more. We spent the evening talking about Baby H. Sunday, we were home almost all day. I sat around preparing a chalkboard and an announcement. That's right, we're ready already to announce our pregnancy :) It's going to be so cute! 

I called today and made an appointment for Wednesday to see the OBGYN. I can't wait to have it confirmed by her.

We've talked and it almost still doesn't feel real (if I wasn't peeing every 10 min I'd definitely not believe it!) I think it'll really hit us when we see our little bean on an ultrasound, hear it's little bitty heartbeat. We are already so in love with this little life growing inside me. I'm scared to say the least of all of the what ifs but we couldn't be happier to start this new chapter. Jesse is already the most adorable daddy!

We can't wait for Baby H to make his or her arrival, we think in November :)

Pregnancy Thoughts Thus Far

At 5 weeks 2 days I don't know much about pregnancy but here's what I do know:

1. Baby bloat is no joke!

2. I pee very very often.

3. Putting on stretchy pants is the absolute best feeling (see #1).

4. Keeping quiet about such a big secret is 100% torture!

5. I want to sleep so much!

6. Being pregnant is scary. Everything freaks me out.

For real, this is all still so surreal. I don't really have any pregnancy side effects yet (knock on wood!) so besides for the extra peeing and the fact that my pants are already tight and uncomfortable, I feel normal. 

Our first dr appointment is tomorow and I'm so excited (and nervous!). I would love nothing more than for the OBGYN to confirm that I am indeed pregnant. I'd also love to see baby bean on an ultrasound but don't think I'm far enough along for that just yet.

UPDATE 3/19/14: We have decided that we will be telling our parents about Baby H April 6, the day of our church's annual Kite Day. We've invited Nancy and Denis and my parents. We've got a cute little plan and can't wait to share the big news. As for Jesse's dad and Debbie who live out of town, we have a plan to send them a special little package that same weekend :) We want to talk to the doc before deciding when to tell everyone else. So now I am even more anxious and impatient to get the word out!!

UPDATE UPDATE 3/19:14: Saw the dr earlier today. We are indeed PREGNANT! Scheduled our first ultrasound for April 4!! If the next two weeks could just fly by, that'd be great :)

Scream and shout!

"I'M PREGNANT! I'M PREGNANT! I'M PREGNANT!"

Man, I just want to scream this and tell the whole world!

I want to tell people. I want to tell people why I can't stop inhaling food. I want to tell people why I'm so exhausted. "Why are you so tired lately?" I'M GROWING A HUMAN! 

I'm running out of excuses. And I'm a little tired of lying to everyone. I feel like for a month or two everything we say has been a lie. "When are you going to start TTC?" We don't know (we did already). "Why do you need off work?" Insert some random appointment (I have to meet with the OB, we're having an ultrasound). "Why aren't you drinking?" Gave it up for lent (pregnant people can't drink). "Are you not still doing the diet?" Yea sure (pregnant people shouldn't do diets that dramatically decrease calorie intake). "Do you have kids?" No (not technically, but in 8 months).

Oy, I'm ready for everyone to know so we can stop lying and just start being excited around everyone. The only person who knows is my boss, Tim. I felt like I had to tell him to make sure my job was safe for baby. I work around a lot of chemicals and needed to know what to avoid. Now he looks at me silly and wants to mention it but I swore him to secrecy. 

This is by far the hardest secret we've ever had to keep and I'm finding it harder and harder by the minute. Here's to April 6!! It can't come soon enough! 

TTC

I didn't publish this blog post right away because we wanted our TTC journey to be ours. I did want to keep my thoughts though so now I'm posting about our trying to conceive experience. It may be a little TMI so read at your own risk!

2/9/14: So in January, we had some very serious discussions about where we wanted to be this year. I was leaning towards house but Jesse wanted to wait a bit. When faced with the decision, he wanted babies over a house. So we signed another lease. We'll be residents here until at least 2015. 

In other news, we started TTC! I stopped taking my BC pills January 9th. We haven't told anyone. We really want this journey to be ours and ours alone. We don't want the added pressure of people's opinions and hundreds of questions. I especially dread the thought of having to answer the inevitable "so are you pregnant yet? How long have you been trying?" questions. So here we are, walking down this road with only each other. It's a little scary, but very exciting! 

2/11/14: I've gotta tell ya, so far TTC is for the birds. I was so hopeful that month one would be some miracle month and that I'd be pregnant already. Apparently that's not really how it works and our first month of trying was unsuccessful. I was pretty bummed. I had visited my GYN and she warned me that my cycle may be a little off the first couple of months after stopping BC. Well, she was right and my hopes were high only to be dashed by a negative pregnancy test and a two day late period. So, we'll keep trying. We are just getting started so while I was really wishing for an awesome first try, I know it'll happen for us soon enough. I suppose the silver lining is we will definitely make the one year mark that we sorta set for ourselves to be married before starting a family. Yay us.

2/13/14: Today, I got a flu shot. Why? Because my GYN recommended I get one. Pregnant women (which I hope to be soon enough) are immunosupressed so, flu shot. I never get a flu shot. Never. But, you do whatcha gotta do when you're trying to create a human! Good news is my $39 shot was completely covered by insurance :) 

2/25/14: Turns out when you're TTC, every little thing feels like a pregnancy symptom. This weekend I was extremely dizzy. I spent most of Sunday in bed trying to fight it. I tried eating and drinking plenty of water, no real change. I didn't start feeling better until almost bedtime. This brings me to my point... Is this dizziness an indicator of pregnancy?! I've never had this happen before. Of course I immediately jumped on google. Apparently dizziness may very well mean pregnancy. Or it could be 101 other things. I suppose we'll be waiting (a LONG) two weeks to see.

3/10/14: So my period again was a no show. Took a test. Got this. 

Needless to say, we weren't excited. I was really hoping the dizziness was a sure sign of pregnancy. So we thought, on to month three....

Dress in Blue

March is Colorectal Cancer Awareness month! Today is Dress in Blue Day! 

We asked everyone we know to wear blue today and I am so touched by how many people participated. Mom and Dad received several pictures and texts today of people showing their support by wearing blue.

Jesse and I both put on our blue bright and early. I am head to toe blue today. My nails, my earrings, my clothes, my socks, my shoes, even my undergarments are blue today! 

This cause has very much so become near and dear to us. Dad was diagnosed Sept 2012 with stage IV colon cancer. We found out it had spread to his liver and he was considered terminal. Dad has undergone so many rounds of chemo fighting for his life. It hasn't always been pretty but he keeps on truckin'. 

We are so glad that Dad has been doing so well lately. After having a major setback in May 2013, he is doing much better. They have found him a new set of meds to keep his side effects at bay most of the time too. 

Lots of life changes have been made but here we all are. Supporting one another and getting Dad the treatment he needs to keep him around for a long, long time!!

TBI Awareness

March has been an awareness month for us for (almost) 7 years. This year, March will have two awareness ribbons (stay tuned for a colon cancer awareness post!). 

March is TRAUMATIC BRAIN INJURY AWARENESS MONTH. Jesse has suffered from and lived with a TBI since May 2007. Really, we're lucky. Lucky that he's recovered so well, lucky that he's able to lead a normal life, lucky that he's alive. God was surely watching over him May 4, 2007.

I know most people in our lives know his story but I'd like to share it anyway. I'll try to be brief!

It was the day after his 18th birthday and the day school was officially over for the summer. We had survived our first year of college and were looking forward to many trips to see one another. We had been dating 3 months.

Jesse made it safely back to Georgetown and went out to dinner late with his sisters and one of their friends. I had called him and he told me he was on his way home and would call me back. It got later and later and I hadn't heard from him. I must've called a million times before I fell asleep. Finally, at almost midnight my phone rang. "Hello, I'm calling from University Medical Center Brackenridge. Do you know Jesse Hanrahan?" After telling the nurse that I was his girlfriend, she only wanted to know if I knew who he was with. She offered up no other information except that he was in a car accident and was at the ER. I wasn't family, I didn't get to know anything more. 

I hung up the phone and let out the eeriest scream my mother said she has ever heard. I woke my parents. I couldn't really tell them anything so my mom called the number back and got directions. We threw on clothes and got in the car. My dad drove us an hour (longest one of my life) to the hospital. By the time we got there, Jesse's dad was there and told the staff I could go back and see Jesse. In fact, I think he was a little relieved because Jesse's mom was in Dallas and he had two kids in the ER to look after himself. I was able to sit with Jesse while he tended to Alysse (Jesse's sister). I remember so vividly that night. The doctor sat me in a chair. She told me all of the things wrong with Jesse; it wasn't a short list. Before she took me back she said, "He won't look as handsome as the last time you saw him." She was right. He looked terrible. Tubes everywhere. Blood everywhere. Cuts and bruises. He suffered from: a TBI, a kidney lac, a broken tibia and fibula, a gash on his forehead, cuts and scrapes on his arms and hands, a fractured orbital bone (his eye was as big as a golf ball and every shade of blue and purple). He was sedated but started to get rowdy while I was sitting alone with him. I remember pinning him down on the bed while I called for a nurse. He was trying his darnedest to pull his tubes out. I remember sitting by him, so scared, talking to him, telling him I was there and that I loved him and needed him to be ok. I was running my hands through his blood soaked hair. Taking in all of his injuries. When the OR was ready, they wheeled him out. 

He was in surgery for his broken leg. He stomped on the brakes so hard during impact that he snapped his lower leg in half. I just sat in the waiting room. I couldn't believe this was happening. When he came out of surgery, my parents took me home. The last thing I wanted to do was leave. I went home, showered, took a quick nap, ate and headed back. The ICU nurses let us go back and stay longer than I think was allowed. I found out that the surgeons wanted to remove part of Jesse's brain because of the bleeding and swelling. Mike told them absolutely not. So we waited. I remember calling his parents so many times asking if they had woken him and taken him off the sedation. When they finally did, I was there and I was shocked. 

Jesse couldn't make a coherent thought. He couldn't say my name. He knew what he was trying to say but it was coming out a jumbled mess. He couldn't read. He couldn't write. He couldn't do math. He couldn't communicate. 

After what seemed like forever and was probably really closer to a month, Jesse was released into rehab. He had relearned my name, the biggest victory for me so far. He could speak but he wasn't making sense. He spent some time in inpatient rehab. Once he was released he spent time in outpatient rehab. He slowly learned to write, to read, to do math.

I was in complete denial about him returning to school. I thought come August we'd both be back at Schreiner. He was going to be living in the apartment across the walk. We were going to be seeing each other every day. I didn't want to go back without him. August came and I went to school and Jesse went to rehab. He eventually spent 6 months at a rehab faculty in Dripping Springs. The CORE setup specific rehab for his case and gave him responsibilities around the facility. I made many two hour trips there and back with Jesse in tow on the weekends. Quite a different experience checking your boyfriend out of rehab for a couple days and then checking him back in.

He overcame so much. I am one proud wife! He went back to college, after he was told he never would, and he earned a bachelor's degree. He worked harder than most to achieve his goals. He never let any of it stop him. 

Jesse never complains. I think I can count on one hand the number of times he was aggravated by any of it. 

It was hard. We had to play a lot of games of guess what Jesse is trying to say. We had to watch a math major count on his fingers. We had to watch Jesse struggle to read children's books. 

It was the biggest challenge either of us has gone through. But here we are today! Jesse still struggles a bit with all of these things; reading, writing, finding words. He has vision and hearing loss. He has short term memory problems. But he's here. He's living. He's reaching goals and working towards dreams. 

I am thankful everyday that God let me keep him. In that moment, in the ER, holding his hand, I knew he was my forever. Whatever the outcome of any of it. He was mine. 

He will be an inspiring role model for our kids. He is proof that hard work and determination pay off. 

My husband is a living, breathing TBI success story. 

So this month, more than others, we're going to celebrate his accomplishments. If you know someone with a TBI, be patient with them. Help them. Be there for them. It is not easy on the survivor or the caretakers but together people can make it through!