Daniel 3:17

Ever doubt your faith? Think God isn't listening? Feel alone?

After a tough moment yesterday, it's all I could think about. I was reminded of the biggest battle going on in our lives. Reminded with a swift kick to the gut. Cancer blows. It could be worse, but it could be better. It seems cancer has a way of rearing it's ugly head just when you least expect it. It's terrible and it leaves me feeling lost in faith.

I was thinking this morning on the way to church that I needed to dive into the Bible and find some kind of scripture to help me get through this tough moment. To help me run to God, not from Him.

See, when Jesse was in his accident, I couldn't run far enough, fast enough. Instead of turning to God, I got angry. I was mad at God for allowing this to happen to Jesse, to me. I didn't understand how something so awful could happen to someone so good. Why us? Why now? Why? The truth is, I'll never have answers. I never get to know. I can speculate. Maybe God wanted us to see that this relationship was the one worth fighting for. Maybe He wanted us to grow together. Who knows.

With Dad's cancer diagnosis, I made a conscious decision to run to God, and not further away. I wanted to do it different this time. I know I will never have answers for this trial either but this time I want to be okay with that. I want a better relationship with God despite my struggle with this devastating blow.

So, I needed to feel Him today. More than some other days. I was tested yesterday and felt like I failed. I was angry again. I was mad about cancer. I was mad about God allowing this to happen. The truth is, God doesn't do things TO us.

This morning's sermon was my first clue that God is listening. God knows that I suffer. He knows that cancer is breaking my heart. He knows that I get angry and that I'm flawed. That's what this morning's sermon was about. How even though we are flawed, we make mistakes, we do wrong, He loves us anyway. "He loves us because of who we are, not in spite of it." He sees past the imperfection, not because He has to but because he can still use us and work on us even if we're broken. At close, the song "He Loves Us" played and I was again reminded that He is on my side. He does care about me and my heartaches.

Clue two was a blogpost. I recently started following a Facebook page called "Scissortail Silk." A blogpost drew me in and today another post tugged at my heart strings. The post was about hope after miscarriage. No, I have never suffered miscarriage. But the sentiment can be applied to my current situation nonetheless. She wrote about Daniel 3:17.

There is a story in the Bible that tells about King Nebuchadnezzar who built a statue of himself and declared that all of the people bow and worship it. Three men of God defied the king and were threatened with death. Their response? “If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to save us from it, and He will rescue us from your hand, O king. But even if he does not… we want you to know, O king that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up.” 

Even if he does not...

This is what she was writing about. Even if God does not "rescue" us, He is still worthy. He is still good. He is still there. He still hears us.

At church, the past few weeks have been dedicated to Life Verses. Maybe this is mine. This is my ultimate struggle. Trusting God in hard times. Finding Him when I can't feel his grace. Maybe this is my life verse because I need to be reminded that God is good all the time and all the time God is good.

I know I will be afflicted with this feeling of doubtfulness in all the trials of my life. It's my biggest imperfection. But when I least expect it and most need it, God is there to remind me. I am not alone. I do not have to walk alone in my troubles.

"There is hope during cancer." There is hope during any tribulation in life.