Joy and Heartache

Ever notice how complete joy and heartache feel sorta the same? Just me? 

I mean, my heart literally feels like it might explode from both. Explode. 

I never knew what motherhood could do to a person. I always wanted to know. Nothing could prepare you for the emotions. No classes. No mom blogs. No "back in my day" stories. No nothing. 

Motherhood is work. Hard work. But it has got to be one (if not the) most rewarding titles ever. 

I cannot even begin to describe to you the pure joy my daughter brings to my life. There are no words. She is this tiny, little ball of contagious happy. It is mind boggling, yes, still, almost 8 months later, that we made her. My genes and Jesse's genes collided to make this beautiful little life. And she is our greatest joy. A joy so big that my heart literally feels like it will burst. A love that feels like it cannot be contained. 

Then there's heartache. My dad is dying. The very thought of it makes me feel like, you guessed it, my heart might explode. 

I get in these places sometimes where it's all I can think about. When will it happen? Where will I be? How? (Cancer obviously but what exactly will be the tipping point?)

Holidays and special days are both fantastic and hard all at the same time. I love making the memories, especially with Wesleigh. She may not remember but we can tell her and thanks to photos we can show her. But then there is always the lingering thought of "is this the last..." 

I just can't imagine a world without my dad. I don't want to. 

So one day my tombstone might read "heart exploded" because I have all the joy in the world from my family and all the suffering I can bear. 

There We Are

Sometimes, a single moment can reenergize you. I had one yesterday.

Jesse and I were going to meet my brother at the movie theatre to see Jurassic World. When we left our home, it was barely raining. By the time we got to the theatre it. was. pouring. Of course we found a nice parking spot as far away from the door as possible. No problem, I had an umbrella. 

Didn't matter. The rain was coming down horizontal! As soon as I stepped out of the car my shoes were filled with water. By the time we made it to the door, we were soaked. My brother was inside and said, "movie is sold out." cue the blank stares. We had just trudged through a torrential downpour for this movie. Of course none of us really wanted to stay for the next showing so we decided to call it a wash. 

We huddled together and headed back out into rain. There was really nothing else to do but laugh. What kind of goofballs get out in that kind of weather to go to the movies?! 

We made it back to the car and we just couldn't help but laugh at ourselves some more. We were drenched, head to toe. 

It was actually a pretty miserable moment but also so fun. Sometimes it's easy to feel lost in the daily shuffle. Parenting, cancer, work, life. It's hard not to feel like you're going through the motions sometimes. 

It was so refreshing to have this moment. A "there we are!" moment. My husband and I are still madly in love and can have a fun time spending 5 minutes in the rain together. 

Unimaginable

I had actually planned to post about joy and suffering but it'll have to wait.

Today, my heart is so heavy. I heard about a story. Randy Rogers (ya, know, the band guy) had a baby girl recently. Rumer Rain only lived a few days. Sadly, their baby girl passed away. A seemingly healthy baby, just gone. They discovered some rare brain condition after birth. 

My heart just hurts for this family. For any family going through this. I cannot imagine a deeper, soul crushing pain. I have literally been thinking about it all day. Besides a spouse perhaps, losing a child has got to be the worst heartache. 

I think the only thing worse would be what happened to another poor family a few weeks ago. Families vacationing in New Braunfels were devastated when their vacation home was uprooted by floodwaters and smashed into a bridge. Only one survivor was found. That poor man. I'll bet a part of him wishes he had died with his family. Wife, gone. Kids, gone. There are two little children still missing. I think that would be worse. Dead and missing. He may never have the chance to say goodbye. Every day he has to think about his kids out in the elements. Where are they? If their deaths alone didn't drive him crazy, I'm sure the where thoughts would. I think it's safe to say I would be out there day and night searching. 

So today, I longed for my own baby. I wanted to hold her tighter, longer. I wanted to soak her up in a deeper way than every other day. I wanted to see her. I knew she was just fine at daycare but I wanted to see for myself. 

Love your babies. Hug them. Kiss them. Praise them. Raise them. Teach them. Enjoy the time you have.

The loss of a child is a pain I hope to God we never have to endure. It would break me.

Meeting Milestones!

Man have we been busy! Seems there's never a free moment around here.

Our sweet girl is 6 months old! SIX! I cannot even believe it. It seems like she's been here for just a short period and forever all at the same time. Little lady is 19lbs 1oz and 26.25" long. 

Here's what she has been up to:

Solid food! Daddy wanted to dabble in the purée business so we read up and started cooking. We started with green beans and carrots. Green beans were most definitely not her favorite. Carrots got a bit of a better review. 

Baby girl was also dedicated at church! It was a beautiful day. We had a small family get together before the church service. We had BBQ and cake and just enjoyed the company. I hope we can foster a committed relationship for Wesleigh with God. We are so blessed to be entrusted with her and want her to know that there is always someone there for her. It is so important to us for her to know Christ.

And most recently, we have a crawler! Yes, she's mobile! We better get to baby proofing.

I can't even describe the mixed emotions. It's so unreal to see this little person growing and learning new things. But it's also so bittersweet because she's not our tiny little baby anymore. Time is flying! #proudparents

First Mother's Day

We celebrated our first Mother's Day this past weekend!

What a difference a year makes! Last year Wes was in the womb and we had no idea who was growing in there. This year we have a beautiful (almost) 6 month old to celebrate with. 

Without her, I wouldn't be a mother. She has given me the greatest gift. She will forever be the one who first welcomed me into motherhood. She will be the first to call me "mom."

Taking care of her has been the greatest joy. She gives every day meaning. I could not be more thankful to God for entrusting us with her.

Jesse and I have a bond that has shown me true love but the bond she and I have is much different. It's a different kind of love. I hope one day she's blessed to experience it.

I hope that she knows that there is no greater privilege in life than being her mommy. I hope that she will always remember how much she is loved.

She is the very best thing her father and I have ever done. I hope I can make her proud to be my daughter! I hope her and I have the strongest of bonds. I hope she always knows she can share everything with me.

She will always be my first baby!

Eight Years

Most years I spend this day with a pit in my stomach. A yearly reminder of a scary time. 

But this year, we're celebrating. This year, Jesse kicked today's ass. He has put in so much time and effort into his recovery. He doesn't complain about the hand he was dealt. He has never let people discourage him from reaching his goals. 

Now, here he is, PASSING his big exam! Anything is possible if you set your mind to it and work hard. Jesse is only a couple more steps away from being a teacher! Now that he's passed his test, he'll have to send off for his certification. Then he can send out applications. We're hopeful he'll be hired soon enough and living out his dreams! 

8 years ago I thought I might lose him. But he's one hell of a fighter. So today I am thankful that he is still here. I'm thankful for the example he is. I'm thankful that he never gave up. I'm thankful for the time we've had together. I'm thankful that he's mine.

Because he's so determined, we are able to build a life together. We have been together 8 years. That's 8 long years of good times. We've both graduated college. We got married. We have a beautiful baby girl. 

We certainly know far too well about challenging times but we also know we have lots to be thankful for. God has blessed us in so many ways. 

When I think about this day, this year, I can't help but think maybe we needed this trial. Maybe we needed it to open our eyes and hearts to one another. A cementing moment in time where we knew our love was stronger than anything life threw at us. A moment in time for complete clarity to see that together is where we are meant to be. 

Now, we find ourselves facing hard times again. But I know we'll survive. We'll each pick up a load at the end of the day and keep on truckin'. As long as we have each other, we'll be just fine. 

So on this May 4, I'm simply a proud wife. My husband, my best friend, is making things happen and I couldn't be happier for him. 

ON THIS DAY IN OUR HISTORY: Jesse also chose me to be his forever 5 years ago today. I was ecstatic and had been waiting for what seemed like forever to say yes. I have never doubted for a second my choice to say "yes." What a wonderful ride it's been so far :)

Dad Update

Things have been a little crazy around here lately. I haven't updated in a while but lots has changed with Dad.

In November, Dad decided to give himself a break from chemo. He wanted to feel good when Wesleigh was born and he wanted to feel good for the holidays. And he did. 

In January, he had a doctors appointment and was ready to tell his oncologist he was done with chemo for good. She got him to agree to a CT scan to see what his tumors were up to. They grew. Some of them doubled in size. So he agreed to try a different chemo regimen. Because nothing is ever easy, he was unable to give the new chemo a whirl because of insurance. After two rounds of the old treatment, Dad just couldn't tolerate it anymore. 

At his third appointment of 2015, he walked in and quickly left before receiving treatment because he just simply couldn't do it again. He has had enough. 

So, Dad has been off of chemo for good since March but really kind of since November. Of course, this means that the cancer will eventually run its course. 

Dad has been fairly sick. He gets very weak and tired very easily. He sometimes has no appetite which doesn't help. We are doing our best to get him feeling somewhat better so he can enjoy some of the time he has left. 

Last week we called Hopsice. They will start their weekly visits next week. A nurse will come check on Dad and she'll make sure he's comfortable. They actually do a lot of things and ofer a completely different experience than I had thought. 

I think having Hopsice come is has really made things feel real. Things feel like they are progressing so much more quickly now. 

I'm not ready. I guess you never are. 

So, that's the short, emotionally detached version. I'm on the verge of a breakdown so simply stated facts are probably best for now. 

You're Going to be a Dad

A year ago today I woke up to the most special news and then I got to share it with my husband.

I woke up early in the morning and snuck out of bed. I went into our second bathroom, test in hand. I took the test and waited. Longest three minutes ever. As I sat there, I said a little prayer. I wanted so badly for it to be our time. I was afraid to look at the test and tried to give myself a pep talk in case God had other plans. 

PREGNANT. That's what the test said. I could hardly believe it. I started crying and thanking God. I was overcome with so many emotions. I was so excited. I had always wanted to be a mom. I was terrified. I had no idea how to be a parent. I was anxious to tell Jesse. I was surprised, I just knew it was going to be negative. I was thankful. 

After I had a moment to myself, I had to be sneaky to prepare a special box for Jesse. Since we had been actively trying, I ordered a shirt and had it already. I had already put the box together in anticipation so I just had to quietly get it from under the bed and put the test inside. 

I woke him up and gave him the box. He opened it, still half asleep, and found the test. I'll never forget. He giggled and said "that's great baby!" He found the shirt inside the box and it read "This guy is going to be a daddy."

It was a beautiful morning and here we are a year later with a beautiful 4 month old daughter! 

Baby Number Two?!

No no. Not yet. But sometimes we talk about it. In the distant future we talk about having a second child (sometimes Jesse even mentions a third!) 

Tonight, I can't even fathom a second. My heart is so full. Most of the time when I'm with Wesleigh I feel like my heart could just literally explode. 

I know mothers everywhere have more than one child and I know they say their love just grows and they welcome in a second child. But how?! 

(Tonight) I cannot even imagine having any more room in my heart for another child. How insane does that sound? 

I'm sure when the time comes we will both be so thrilled. We will buy Wesleigh every big sister shirt we can get our hands on. We will get out all of our newborn and baby things and oooooh and ahhhh over it all over again. We'll pick a name and we'll setup a nursery. We'll do everything we can to prepare ourselves to become a family of 4. 

And I'm sure baby #2 will come and I'm sure that our hearts will grow and we will love him or her just as much as Wes. We will be over the moon with excitement as baby #2 reaches milestones, just as we are for Wesleigh. This second child that will almost definitely make their way into our family will be one loved little person. 

But tonight, Wesleigh is the only little baby I need. She's the only one my heart has room for right now. I want to enjoy and cherish every little second. I want to soak her in. I want to learn every little expression, every giggle, every little freckle, her likes and dislikes. 

Never in a million years did I think I would be questioning my want for more children. I have always wanted 2 or 3. But now that we have a daughter, who to us is just perfect, sometimes it's hard to think of how my heart could ever make enough room for another. 

But I'm sure it will... one day.

Rolling Over

It's true what they say... Kids grow up in the blink of an eye! 

I know, she's only 3 months old, but it feels like the months are flying by. 

She already has so much personality! She giggles and it is the best sound I've ever heard. She jabbers; all the time. I wonder what she's saying! She is grabbing things and chewing things. She responds to her surroundings. It's all so bittersweet! 

Yesterday, she hit a big milestone! She rolled over!! Back to belly. She's been working hard at it for a couple of weeks and yesterday it finally happened. It feels a little silly to be so excited over it but I am quite literally so proud! I cried. I'm that mom. And I caught it on video so every time I watch it I get teary eyed all over again. 

Her next big task will be mastering the art of crib sleeping. I'm not ready but she's quickly outgrowing her rock n play. Hopefully it's a smooth transition but I foresee  some sleepless nights in our future.

Wesleigh will be 4 months old next weekend, can you believe it?!

Daycare Woes

I can't believe my time at home is almost over! Wesleigh will be starting daycare next week. 

I always knew I'd be a working mom but it still stinks! She's so small. I am lucky to have had 10 weeks home with her but it just doesn't seem like enough. 

This country needs to get with the times and offer better maternity leave like most other places in the world. 

She'll be close to home and my job so that's comforting in case I need to get to her quick.

I'm sure she'll love the interaction with other kids when she gets a little older and it'll be good for her to get social interaction with other people. She's just been extra clingy to me lately that I worry until she adjusts she's going to be miserable. 

My sweet husband helped yesterday and he probably doesn't even realize how much it meant to me. We take turns praying before dinner. Yesterday he prayed for a smooth transition for me and Wes next week. It's comforting to know that he sympathizes with how hard I anticipate leaving her will be. 

I hope I don't have a meltdown taking her the first few times. At least it'll be a short week since I start back to work on a Thursday. 

Here's hoping we both adjust quickly! 

Hair Bow Organization

It's been a hot minute since I've crafted anything. Probably a few months before Wesleigh was born. I got a big itch this past weekend so I decided to work on a project I've been wanting to make for a while: a hair bow organizer.

It was actually fairly easy but time consuming because (a) I have a little baby and (b) I wasn't happy with the color spray paint I initially bought. 

So here's what you need:

A wooden frame

Paint if you don't like the color of it

Screw hooks 

Staple gun and staples

Ribbon

I started by spray painting my frame. I got it 1/2 off at a Hobby Lobby. I chose something long and rectangular. It was black and I wanted it to be green so I purchased spray paint. Like I said, the initial color I bought was more yellowish than I wanted so my husband went and picked up something more green. Still a little more neon than I was hoping but we went with it anyway.

Once it was painted, we added the ribbon. I used four different kinds. You can use all the same pattern or different. I chose pinks and browns and zebra print. We just simply measured out even space between each ribbon and stapled the pieces on the frame with the staple gun. Spacing will vary depending on how many pieces of ribbon you want to use and the size of your frame.

Then my sweet husband screwed all of the hooks on along the bottom. These are for any headbands you want to hang that won't clip on the ribbons. We did one for every ribbon and added an extra on each end. You can use as many or as few hooks as you'd like. 

I added a little wooden zebra as embellishment with hot glue and may eventually add her name in wooden letters too.

That's basically it! Hang it on the wall and add your bows and headbands. Very easy project, especially if you get the right paint color the first go round and if you have a husband who takes pity on your poor math skills and helps figure out spacing :) 

And then you're not...

I think the strangest thing about pregnancy is that one day you are and the next day you aren't! Poof! 

Sometimes my whole pregnancy still feels so surreal. Like it didn't happen. Like I never was. Like a stork just left Wesleigh on our doorstep.

I think it's because (besides the new, not necessarily improved bod) everything just returns back to normal. You don't feel nauseous anymore... And let's face it, at one point, I thought I'd never eat normal again. You aren't swollen anymore. My feet hurt to walk on the day I delivered and the day after. I thought my feet might burst open. Now they are perfectly normal sized again, along with my hands.  You're belly is gone. I mean, you're left with some extra flab but the big, round belly, just gone. 

And then there's the actual labor. I still cannot believe that a human, a big big human, came out of me. One minute she was inside and the next she was out. And let's not forget the fact that it's unreal to think about how she could've fit in there in the first place. 

And she's not even two months yet and the whole thing feels like it was a lifetime ago. 

You spend nine months preparing for birth and then it's just over. Very weird this whole pregnancy thing. Very weird.