The End

I thought yesterday was going to break me. Here I am today. Exhausted. Overwhelmed. But here nonetheless. 

I haven't sat down to write about so many things: our sweet little babe turned one in November! We've had holidays. We've had fun days. We've had hard days.

Right now, seems the only thing to write about is the end, with death knocking at the door. I can't really talk about it to people I feel closest to. I guess I can write about it.

If you've read any of my other posts you know my dad has cancer. He's fought a long hard battle for 3 years. His fight is coming to an end. Of course nobody really knows but his hospice nurse is guessing less than 3 days. 

It's hard. Sitting and waiting is hard. He's in so much pain. We don't want him to suffer anymore but if he's not then that means he's gone. 

It's weird. I worked the first half of the week. Trying to stay busy. We went over in the afternoon but I didn't want to sit there all day. Now I'm off work and it seems like the days are so long. We aren't doing anything but it's exhausting. Not like being tired or new mom exhausting, a whole new kind.

It's hard to give yourself a minute for a breakdown when you have a baby to care for. I'm thankful for her. You can't stop, she still needs to be taken care of. I feel so guilty though. She has this huge weight on her tiny little shoulders to keep us going. She doesn't even know that most of the time our sanity rests in her because we can't fall apart or she'll be neglected. 

I worry about her. Every second. She's too young to know exactly what's going on but too old not to notice something isn't right. She knows right where to find grandpa, but he can't play. She goes looking for him and seems confused when he doesn't respond. She's also sick right now. I'm sure she wants to be home in her comfort spot but she can't be right now.

I guess we're all just doing the best we can. It's hard. Pray for our family. I know we'll be ok, but it feels almost impossible some moments.