Dad Update

Things have been a little crazy around here lately. I haven't updated in a while but lots has changed with Dad.

In November, Dad decided to give himself a break from chemo. He wanted to feel good when Wesleigh was born and he wanted to feel good for the holidays. And he did. 

In January, he had a doctors appointment and was ready to tell his oncologist he was done with chemo for good. She got him to agree to a CT scan to see what his tumors were up to. They grew. Some of them doubled in size. So he agreed to try a different chemo regimen. Because nothing is ever easy, he was unable to give the new chemo a whirl because of insurance. After two rounds of the old treatment, Dad just couldn't tolerate it anymore. 

At his third appointment of 2015, he walked in and quickly left before receiving treatment because he just simply couldn't do it again. He has had enough. 

So, Dad has been off of chemo for good since March but really kind of since November. Of course, this means that the cancer will eventually run its course. 

Dad has been fairly sick. He gets very weak and tired very easily. He sometimes has no appetite which doesn't help. We are doing our best to get him feeling somewhat better so he can enjoy some of the time he has left. 

Last week we called Hopsice. They will start their weekly visits next week. A nurse will come check on Dad and she'll make sure he's comfortable. They actually do a lot of things and ofer a completely different experience than I had thought. 

I think having Hopsice come is has really made things feel real. Things feel like they are progressing so much more quickly now. 

I'm not ready. I guess you never are. 

So, that's the short, emotionally detached version. I'm on the verge of a breakdown so simply stated facts are probably best for now. 

You're Going to be a Dad

A year ago today I woke up to the most special news and then I got to share it with my husband.

I woke up early in the morning and snuck out of bed. I went into our second bathroom, test in hand. I took the test and waited. Longest three minutes ever. As I sat there, I said a little prayer. I wanted so badly for it to be our time. I was afraid to look at the test and tried to give myself a pep talk in case God had other plans. 

PREGNANT. That's what the test said. I could hardly believe it. I started crying and thanking God. I was overcome with so many emotions. I was so excited. I had always wanted to be a mom. I was terrified. I had no idea how to be a parent. I was anxious to tell Jesse. I was surprised, I just knew it was going to be negative. I was thankful. 

After I had a moment to myself, I had to be sneaky to prepare a special box for Jesse. Since we had been actively trying, I ordered a shirt and had it already. I had already put the box together in anticipation so I just had to quietly get it from under the bed and put the test inside. 

I woke him up and gave him the box. He opened it, still half asleep, and found the test. I'll never forget. He giggled and said "that's great baby!" He found the shirt inside the box and it read "This guy is going to be a daddy."

It was a beautiful morning and here we are a year later with a beautiful 4 month old daughter! 

Baby Number Two?!

No no. Not yet. But sometimes we talk about it. In the distant future we talk about having a second child (sometimes Jesse even mentions a third!) 

Tonight, I can't even fathom a second. My heart is so full. Most of the time when I'm with Wesleigh I feel like my heart could just literally explode. 

I know mothers everywhere have more than one child and I know they say their love just grows and they welcome in a second child. But how?! 

(Tonight) I cannot even imagine having any more room in my heart for another child. How insane does that sound? 

I'm sure when the time comes we will both be so thrilled. We will buy Wesleigh every big sister shirt we can get our hands on. We will get out all of our newborn and baby things and oooooh and ahhhh over it all over again. We'll pick a name and we'll setup a nursery. We'll do everything we can to prepare ourselves to become a family of 4. 

And I'm sure baby #2 will come and I'm sure that our hearts will grow and we will love him or her just as much as Wes. We will be over the moon with excitement as baby #2 reaches milestones, just as we are for Wesleigh. This second child that will almost definitely make their way into our family will be one loved little person. 

But tonight, Wesleigh is the only little baby I need. She's the only one my heart has room for right now. I want to enjoy and cherish every little second. I want to soak her in. I want to learn every little expression, every giggle, every little freckle, her likes and dislikes. 

Never in a million years did I think I would be questioning my want for more children. I have always wanted 2 or 3. But now that we have a daughter, who to us is just perfect, sometimes it's hard to think of how my heart could ever make enough room for another. 

But I'm sure it will... one day.

Rolling Over

It's true what they say... Kids grow up in the blink of an eye! 

I know, she's only 3 months old, but it feels like the months are flying by. 

She already has so much personality! She giggles and it is the best sound I've ever heard. She jabbers; all the time. I wonder what she's saying! She is grabbing things and chewing things. She responds to her surroundings. It's all so bittersweet! 

Yesterday, she hit a big milestone! She rolled over!! Back to belly. She's been working hard at it for a couple of weeks and yesterday it finally happened. It feels a little silly to be so excited over it but I am quite literally so proud! I cried. I'm that mom. And I caught it on video so every time I watch it I get teary eyed all over again. 

Her next big task will be mastering the art of crib sleeping. I'm not ready but she's quickly outgrowing her rock n play. Hopefully it's a smooth transition but I foresee  some sleepless nights in our future.

Wesleigh will be 4 months old next weekend, can you believe it?!

Daycare Woes

I can't believe my time at home is almost over! Wesleigh will be starting daycare next week. 

I always knew I'd be a working mom but it still stinks! She's so small. I am lucky to have had 10 weeks home with her but it just doesn't seem like enough. 

This country needs to get with the times and offer better maternity leave like most other places in the world. 

She'll be close to home and my job so that's comforting in case I need to get to her quick.

I'm sure she'll love the interaction with other kids when she gets a little older and it'll be good for her to get social interaction with other people. She's just been extra clingy to me lately that I worry until she adjusts she's going to be miserable. 

My sweet husband helped yesterday and he probably doesn't even realize how much it meant to me. We take turns praying before dinner. Yesterday he prayed for a smooth transition for me and Wes next week. It's comforting to know that he sympathizes with how hard I anticipate leaving her will be. 

I hope I don't have a meltdown taking her the first few times. At least it'll be a short week since I start back to work on a Thursday. 

Here's hoping we both adjust quickly! 

Hair Bow Organization

It's been a hot minute since I've crafted anything. Probably a few months before Wesleigh was born. I got a big itch this past weekend so I decided to work on a project I've been wanting to make for a while: a hair bow organizer.

It was actually fairly easy but time consuming because (a) I have a little baby and (b) I wasn't happy with the color spray paint I initially bought. 

So here's what you need:

A wooden frame

Paint if you don't like the color of it

Screw hooks 

Staple gun and staples

Ribbon

I started by spray painting my frame. I got it 1/2 off at a Hobby Lobby. I chose something long and rectangular. It was black and I wanted it to be green so I purchased spray paint. Like I said, the initial color I bought was more yellowish than I wanted so my husband went and picked up something more green. Still a little more neon than I was hoping but we went with it anyway.

Once it was painted, we added the ribbon. I used four different kinds. You can use all the same pattern or different. I chose pinks and browns and zebra print. We just simply measured out even space between each ribbon and stapled the pieces on the frame with the staple gun. Spacing will vary depending on how many pieces of ribbon you want to use and the size of your frame.

Then my sweet husband screwed all of the hooks on along the bottom. These are for any headbands you want to hang that won't clip on the ribbons. We did one for every ribbon and added an extra on each end. You can use as many or as few hooks as you'd like. 

I added a little wooden zebra as embellishment with hot glue and may eventually add her name in wooden letters too.

That's basically it! Hang it on the wall and add your bows and headbands. Very easy project, especially if you get the right paint color the first go round and if you have a husband who takes pity on your poor math skills and helps figure out spacing :) 

And then you're not...

I think the strangest thing about pregnancy is that one day you are and the next day you aren't! Poof! 

Sometimes my whole pregnancy still feels so surreal. Like it didn't happen. Like I never was. Like a stork just left Wesleigh on our doorstep.

I think it's because (besides the new, not necessarily improved bod) everything just returns back to normal. You don't feel nauseous anymore... And let's face it, at one point, I thought I'd never eat normal again. You aren't swollen anymore. My feet hurt to walk on the day I delivered and the day after. I thought my feet might burst open. Now they are perfectly normal sized again, along with my hands.  You're belly is gone. I mean, you're left with some extra flab but the big, round belly, just gone. 

And then there's the actual labor. I still cannot believe that a human, a big big human, came out of me. One minute she was inside and the next she was out. And let's not forget the fact that it's unreal to think about how she could've fit in there in the first place. 

And she's not even two months yet and the whole thing feels like it was a lifetime ago. 

You spend nine months preparing for birth and then it's just over. Very weird this whole pregnancy thing. Very weird.