The End

I thought yesterday was going to break me. Here I am today. Exhausted. Overwhelmed. But here nonetheless. 

I haven't sat down to write about so many things: our sweet little babe turned one in November! We've had holidays. We've had fun days. We've had hard days.

Right now, seems the only thing to write about is the end, with death knocking at the door. I can't really talk about it to people I feel closest to. I guess I can write about it.

If you've read any of my other posts you know my dad has cancer. He's fought a long hard battle for 3 years. His fight is coming to an end. Of course nobody really knows but his hospice nurse is guessing less than 3 days. 

It's hard. Sitting and waiting is hard. He's in so much pain. We don't want him to suffer anymore but if he's not then that means he's gone. 

It's weird. I worked the first half of the week. Trying to stay busy. We went over in the afternoon but I didn't want to sit there all day. Now I'm off work and it seems like the days are so long. We aren't doing anything but it's exhausting. Not like being tired or new mom exhausting, a whole new kind.

It's hard to give yourself a minute for a breakdown when you have a baby to care for. I'm thankful for her. You can't stop, she still needs to be taken care of. I feel so guilty though. She has this huge weight on her tiny little shoulders to keep us going. She doesn't even know that most of the time our sanity rests in her because we can't fall apart or she'll be neglected. 

I worry about her. Every second. She's too young to know exactly what's going on but too old not to notice something isn't right. She knows right where to find grandpa, but he can't play. She goes looking for him and seems confused when he doesn't respond. She's also sick right now. I'm sure she wants to be home in her comfort spot but she can't be right now.

I guess we're all just doing the best we can. It's hard. Pray for our family. I know we'll be ok, but it feels almost impossible some moments. 

Joy and Heartache

Ever notice how complete joy and heartache feel sorta the same? Just me? 

I mean, my heart literally feels like it might explode from both. Explode. 

I never knew what motherhood could do to a person. I always wanted to know. Nothing could prepare you for the emotions. No classes. No mom blogs. No "back in my day" stories. No nothing. 

Motherhood is work. Hard work. But it has got to be one (if not the) most rewarding titles ever. 

I cannot even begin to describe to you the pure joy my daughter brings to my life. There are no words. She is this tiny, little ball of contagious happy. It is mind boggling, yes, still, almost 8 months later, that we made her. My genes and Jesse's genes collided to make this beautiful little life. And she is our greatest joy. A joy so big that my heart literally feels like it will burst. A love that feels like it cannot be contained. 

Then there's heartache. My dad is dying. The very thought of it makes me feel like, you guessed it, my heart might explode. 

I get in these places sometimes where it's all I can think about. When will it happen? Where will I be? How? (Cancer obviously but what exactly will be the tipping point?)

Holidays and special days are both fantastic and hard all at the same time. I love making the memories, especially with Wesleigh. She may not remember but we can tell her and thanks to photos we can show her. But then there is always the lingering thought of "is this the last..." 

I just can't imagine a world without my dad. I don't want to. 

So one day my tombstone might read "heart exploded" because I have all the joy in the world from my family and all the suffering I can bear. 

There We Are

Sometimes, a single moment can reenergize you. I had one yesterday.

Jesse and I were going to meet my brother at the movie theatre to see Jurassic World. When we left our home, it was barely raining. By the time we got to the theatre it. was. pouring. Of course we found a nice parking spot as far away from the door as possible. No problem, I had an umbrella. 

Didn't matter. The rain was coming down horizontal! As soon as I stepped out of the car my shoes were filled with water. By the time we made it to the door, we were soaked. My brother was inside and said, "movie is sold out." cue the blank stares. We had just trudged through a torrential downpour for this movie. Of course none of us really wanted to stay for the next showing so we decided to call it a wash. 

We huddled together and headed back out into rain. There was really nothing else to do but laugh. What kind of goofballs get out in that kind of weather to go to the movies?! 

We made it back to the car and we just couldn't help but laugh at ourselves some more. We were drenched, head to toe. 

It was actually a pretty miserable moment but also so fun. Sometimes it's easy to feel lost in the daily shuffle. Parenting, cancer, work, life. It's hard not to feel like you're going through the motions sometimes. 

It was so refreshing to have this moment. A "there we are!" moment. My husband and I are still madly in love and can have a fun time spending 5 minutes in the rain together. 

Unimaginable

I had actually planned to post about joy and suffering but it'll have to wait.

Today, my heart is so heavy. I heard about a story. Randy Rogers (ya, know, the band guy) had a baby girl recently. Rumer Rain only lived a few days. Sadly, their baby girl passed away. A seemingly healthy baby, just gone. They discovered some rare brain condition after birth. 

My heart just hurts for this family. For any family going through this. I cannot imagine a deeper, soul crushing pain. I have literally been thinking about it all day. Besides a spouse perhaps, losing a child has got to be the worst heartache. 

I think the only thing worse would be what happened to another poor family a few weeks ago. Families vacationing in New Braunfels were devastated when their vacation home was uprooted by floodwaters and smashed into a bridge. Only one survivor was found. That poor man. I'll bet a part of him wishes he had died with his family. Wife, gone. Kids, gone. There are two little children still missing. I think that would be worse. Dead and missing. He may never have the chance to say goodbye. Every day he has to think about his kids out in the elements. Where are they? If their deaths alone didn't drive him crazy, I'm sure the where thoughts would. I think it's safe to say I would be out there day and night searching. 

So today, I longed for my own baby. I wanted to hold her tighter, longer. I wanted to soak her up in a deeper way than every other day. I wanted to see her. I knew she was just fine at daycare but I wanted to see for myself. 

Love your babies. Hug them. Kiss them. Praise them. Raise them. Teach them. Enjoy the time you have.

The loss of a child is a pain I hope to God we never have to endure. It would break me.

Meeting Milestones!

Man have we been busy! Seems there's never a free moment around here.

Our sweet girl is 6 months old! SIX! I cannot even believe it. It seems like she's been here for just a short period and forever all at the same time. Little lady is 19lbs 1oz and 26.25" long. 

Here's what she has been up to:

Solid food! Daddy wanted to dabble in the purée business so we read up and started cooking. We started with green beans and carrots. Green beans were most definitely not her favorite. Carrots got a bit of a better review. 

Baby girl was also dedicated at church! It was a beautiful day. We had a small family get together before the church service. We had BBQ and cake and just enjoyed the company. I hope we can foster a committed relationship for Wesleigh with God. We are so blessed to be entrusted with her and want her to know that there is always someone there for her. It is so important to us for her to know Christ.

And most recently, we have a crawler! Yes, she's mobile! We better get to baby proofing.

I can't even describe the mixed emotions. It's so unreal to see this little person growing and learning new things. But it's also so bittersweet because she's not our tiny little baby anymore. Time is flying! #proudparents

First Mother's Day

We celebrated our first Mother's Day this past weekend!

What a difference a year makes! Last year Wes was in the womb and we had no idea who was growing in there. This year we have a beautiful (almost) 6 month old to celebrate with. 

Without her, I wouldn't be a mother. She has given me the greatest gift. She will forever be the one who first welcomed me into motherhood. She will be the first to call me "mom."

Taking care of her has been the greatest joy. She gives every day meaning. I could not be more thankful to God for entrusting us with her.

Jesse and I have a bond that has shown me true love but the bond she and I have is much different. It's a different kind of love. I hope one day she's blessed to experience it.

I hope that she knows that there is no greater privilege in life than being her mommy. I hope that she will always remember how much she is loved.

She is the very best thing her father and I have ever done. I hope I can make her proud to be my daughter! I hope her and I have the strongest of bonds. I hope she always knows she can share everything with me.

She will always be my first baby!

Eight Years

Most years I spend this day with a pit in my stomach. A yearly reminder of a scary time. 

But this year, we're celebrating. This year, Jesse kicked today's ass. He has put in so much time and effort into his recovery. He doesn't complain about the hand he was dealt. He has never let people discourage him from reaching his goals. 

Now, here he is, PASSING his big exam! Anything is possible if you set your mind to it and work hard. Jesse is only a couple more steps away from being a teacher! Now that he's passed his test, he'll have to send off for his certification. Then he can send out applications. We're hopeful he'll be hired soon enough and living out his dreams! 

8 years ago I thought I might lose him. But he's one hell of a fighter. So today I am thankful that he is still here. I'm thankful for the example he is. I'm thankful that he never gave up. I'm thankful for the time we've had together. I'm thankful that he's mine.

Because he's so determined, we are able to build a life together. We have been together 8 years. That's 8 long years of good times. We've both graduated college. We got married. We have a beautiful baby girl. 

We certainly know far too well about challenging times but we also know we have lots to be thankful for. God has blessed us in so many ways. 

When I think about this day, this year, I can't help but think maybe we needed this trial. Maybe we needed it to open our eyes and hearts to one another. A cementing moment in time where we knew our love was stronger than anything life threw at us. A moment in time for complete clarity to see that together is where we are meant to be. 

Now, we find ourselves facing hard times again. But I know we'll survive. We'll each pick up a load at the end of the day and keep on truckin'. As long as we have each other, we'll be just fine. 

So on this May 4, I'm simply a proud wife. My husband, my best friend, is making things happen and I couldn't be happier for him. 

ON THIS DAY IN OUR HISTORY: Jesse also chose me to be his forever 5 years ago today. I was ecstatic and had been waiting for what seemed like forever to say yes. I have never doubted for a second my choice to say "yes." What a wonderful ride it's been so far :)