Good Riddance 2016

2016 has forever changed me. It damn near broke me. But 2016 also had moments of great joy that sustained me. I'm not sure a year has had this effect on me since 2007. And I hope 2017 doesn't continue the trend.

I lost my dad this year. My dad. It has rocked me to the core. I am nowhere near "over it" and I haven't "moved on." How the heck does a person do that?! I've been trying to figure it out for almost a year with no luck.

My dad's death was followed by more death. I can't remember a year where I've experienced so much death. And in such a short span. I hope 2017 brings more beginnings and less endings.

It wasn't all bad.

We bought our first house. We celebrated 3 beautiful years of marriage. Our sweet babe turned two. My brother got married and had a baby. We celebrated friends who got married or are expecting babies.

We're still standing so there's that great achievement.

I sincerely hope that 2017 is a better year. I hope to gain some sense of control over my feelings. I hope to reign in my grief and turn it into something more positive. I hope our little family stands firm together through whatever the new year might bring. I hope for health, for everyone. I hope that next year I'm writing with a more joyous tone.

The truth is 2017 scares the hell out of me, I hope it's a kinder, gentler year.

2016 Election

Here's my hope for today.

I hope that people can be kind to one another. Tonight, someone will win and someone will lose. Someone will be the new president, that's the only guarantee. I think that a lot of people would agree that these two people are not who we would ideally choose to lead our nation. Both candidates have said or done deplorable things. I have seen so much hate this election season and I want better for my daughter, for our children.

My biggest hope for tonight is that I will see gracious winners and losers. Because here's the thing, if we want a better, kinder world for our kids, it starts with us. It starts with your behavior at home. Our children should first look to us to be examples. It is our job as parents to help fight the good fight against hate in this country. It is up to us to teach them right from wrong no matter who is sitting in the Oval Office.

Whatever the outcome tonight, remember that there are impressionable little people watching. Their eyes are on us, always. What will they learn from you?

He's Still Not Here

It finally happened. 299 days. I needed to call Dad and couldn't.

I've been away from the blog for a while. To be honest, we've been busy and who wants to read about grief all the time anyway?

I love to share memories of Dad. I think about him every day. I miss him more than anyone could know. I want to text him pictures of Wesleigh. I want him to spend holidays with us. It's so incredibly hard to just keep living life without him here to share it.

Today, after 13 years of driving, I ran out of gas somewhere. I had switched cars for my Dad's truck to haul some pavers home from Lowes and just out of hurry didn't realize I was driving on fumes. Made it to Lowes and loaded up the car only to get back in and have the truck not start.

That's when I needed to call Dad. He's the one I would've called, had he been here. Even after getting married, he's the first I would've called to rescue me.

I would love to talk to him daily. I yearn to hear his voice or see his name on my phone screen, sending me a picture of Newman, asking for a picture of Wesleigh. But today, I REALLY needed him. It was the first time he couldn't just come when I couldn't help myself and nobody else was around.

Thankfully, there was a gas station right next to Lowes. I went inside, bought a gas can and walked over to fill it. A nice cashier showed me how to use it (kinda complicated actually) and I was able to put gas in the truck. It started. Away I went.

It's weird the moments that can smack you in the face with grief. 299 days. It's not any easier than day 1.

Little Red Bird

Yesterday, this would've been a different post. Completely different.

My dad has been gone 2 months. I have felt quite hopeless lately. I make it through the day. I even have happy moments. Life doesn't stop. But I have been on the edge. I have felt lost. I miss him.

I think people get a lot of things wrong about death. Maybe everyone just has their own experience. I surely wouldn't agree that time makes it easier. Sure, you find a new normal. You get up and go to work and do what you've got to do. But it's not easy. You don't miss them less. Time just makes it seem more real. They aren't coming back. 

Presence has been a big misconception for me too. People make it seem like their loved ones are "there" constantly. I wasn't feeling that. I was not feeling it in the least bit. I actually have never felt more alone and abandoned by someone. Of course I know it wasn't his choice, I don't blame him. But I couldn't feel my dad around. Not one second of one day. 

Today, 44 days later, I finally FINALLY felt him. He was here today. I am 100% sure of that. 

Before he passed away, my dad told us to watch for hawks and red birds. I have looked high and low. Nothing. 

So here we are today. Jesse and I celebrated our anniversary a day early. Three years we've been married! We decided that Chama Gaucha would be our new go to spot for an anniversary feast! We first went there for dad's birthday. Being there made me miss him. I wish he could've been helping babysit Wesleigh while we were out. 

When we got home, we went outside to take our annual anniversary photo. After we took the picture, we were hanging out playing with Wesleigh and her new bubble gun when I saw it.

A red bird. A beautiful, lone red bird. 

He was there today. My dad. I know it was him, sending us a sign. An anniversary sign. How could he not today? He was a big supporter of our marriage. I know he loved Jesse like he was his own. I know he genuinely thinks Jesse is my perfect match. I know he thinks we'll make it for the long haul. 

Today, my faith was restored. My hope returned. A tiny piece of my broken heart was healed. I am now a believer. Loved ones may not get to make their presence known every day, but they are there when you need it most. They are there to pull you back from the edge right when you feel like you're about to fall. When you feel like giving up, they'll make sure you hang on for one more day. 

Today was a good day. An honest to God good day. I got to celebrate my marriage over a beautiful lunch with my husband. I came home to my sweet little soul of a daughter, and dad graced us with his presence. 

I hope when I feel like my hope is fading, I can hold onto this moment until the next one comes. 

Loss

We lost my dad the day I last wrote. He passed away Jan 8, 2016 in the afternoon. Surrounded by his family.

 

It doesn't feel real most moments. Hits you like a ton of bricks when it does. I read an article about grief that described it as waves and so far I think that's pretty accurate.

 

I haven't really spoken to too many people about his passing. It seems strange to call people just to tell them someone is gone. I guess I don't know what to say and I know other people don't know what to say. What can you say?!

 

Everyone wants to know if you're ok. I always say yes. I know some people just ask out of niceties. I know some who ask really do care and want to know the hairy details. Either way, it's hard to say much else than "yes I'm ok."

 

The truth is, I'm not ok. I compartmentalize. I hide behind having a child to care for. I just keep putting one foot in front of the other because life doesn't just stop. Grief doesn't take a holiday. Heartache doesn't care that tomorrow is Monday and it's back to work.

 

The truth is, my eyes have been opened to weird things. Things I never even thought about before seem to be the things plaguing me most. Like where dad is in the meantime before he is cremated. I want him home. I'm now wide-eyed to the fact that some people suck. People who should rally for you, people who should've been more of a presence the last three years. Now they are coming out of the woodworks. Where were you then? I certainly don't need them now. Those are regrets they can live with, not me. People say strange things too. "At least you had three more years." "You all had time to prepare." Yes, we did have 3 more years. And I am beyond thankful. In those three years my dad got to walk me down the aisle, he got to see my daughter be born. Those three years were not easy. I challenge anyone to watch a loved one day in and day out deteriorate and have them feel good about it. They were three blessed but hard years. And I can tell you, three years is not enough time to prepare for a loss. Not by a long shot. How the heck do you "prepare" for someone to be gone? It's not a vacation, it's not one missed phone call, it's not one missed family night or holiday. It's forever.

 

The truth is, I'm sad. I'm angry. I'm exhausted. I'm relieved. I'm terrified. I'm worried. I'm heartbroken. I'm forever changed. I am now a daughter without a father.

 

I worry about Wesleigh. I now have a child who is missing a grandpa. Old enough to sense it, not old enough to understand. She's had a rough couple of weeks. Thank God kids are resilient because she's finally returning to her old self. We are trying to remind her every day of the bond they shared. It's a huge weight to bear to make sure she never forgets that Grandpa Steve loved her with every fiber of his being. That he wished he could play more. That he wished they had more time.

 

There will always be this gaping hole. A constant void. The pain is unbelievable but it also serves as a reminder of my dad. That he was here. That there were loving relationships.

 

I'm sad and I miss my dad.

 

But we'll keep going, because you have to.

The End

I thought yesterday was going to break me. Here I am today. Exhausted. Overwhelmed. But here nonetheless. 

I haven't sat down to write about so many things: our sweet little babe turned one in November! We've had holidays. We've had fun days. We've had hard days.

Right now, seems the only thing to write about is the end, with death knocking at the door. I can't really talk about it to people I feel closest to. I guess I can write about it.

If you've read any of my other posts you know my dad has cancer. He's fought a long hard battle for 3 years. His fight is coming to an end. Of course nobody really knows but his hospice nurse is guessing less than 3 days. 

It's hard. Sitting and waiting is hard. He's in so much pain. We don't want him to suffer anymore but if he's not then that means he's gone. 

It's weird. I worked the first half of the week. Trying to stay busy. We went over in the afternoon but I didn't want to sit there all day. Now I'm off work and it seems like the days are so long. We aren't doing anything but it's exhausting. Not like being tired or new mom exhausting, a whole new kind.

It's hard to give yourself a minute for a breakdown when you have a baby to care for. I'm thankful for her. You can't stop, she still needs to be taken care of. I feel so guilty though. She has this huge weight on her tiny little shoulders to keep us going. She doesn't even know that most of the time our sanity rests in her because we can't fall apart or she'll be neglected. 

I worry about her. Every second. She's too young to know exactly what's going on but too old not to notice something isn't right. She knows right where to find grandpa, but he can't play. She goes looking for him and seems confused when he doesn't respond. She's also sick right now. I'm sure she wants to be home in her comfort spot but she can't be right now.

I guess we're all just doing the best we can. It's hard. Pray for our family. I know we'll be ok, but it feels almost impossible some moments. 

Joy and Heartache

Ever notice how complete joy and heartache feel sorta the same? Just me? 

I mean, my heart literally feels like it might explode from both. Explode. 

I never knew what motherhood could do to a person. I always wanted to know. Nothing could prepare you for the emotions. No classes. No mom blogs. No "back in my day" stories. No nothing. 

Motherhood is work. Hard work. But it has got to be one (if not the) most rewarding titles ever. 

I cannot even begin to describe to you the pure joy my daughter brings to my life. There are no words. She is this tiny, little ball of contagious happy. It is mind boggling, yes, still, almost 8 months later, that we made her. My genes and Jesse's genes collided to make this beautiful little life. And she is our greatest joy. A joy so big that my heart literally feels like it will burst. A love that feels like it cannot be contained. 

Then there's heartache. My dad is dying. The very thought of it makes me feel like, you guessed it, my heart might explode. 

I get in these places sometimes where it's all I can think about. When will it happen? Where will I be? How? (Cancer obviously but what exactly will be the tipping point?)

Holidays and special days are both fantastic and hard all at the same time. I love making the memories, especially with Wesleigh. She may not remember but we can tell her and thanks to photos we can show her. But then there is always the lingering thought of "is this the last..." 

I just can't imagine a world without my dad. I don't want to. 

So one day my tombstone might read "heart exploded" because I have all the joy in the world from my family and all the suffering I can bear. 

There We Are

Sometimes, a single moment can reenergize you. I had one yesterday.

Jesse and I were going to meet my brother at the movie theatre to see Jurassic World. When we left our home, it was barely raining. By the time we got to the theatre it. was. pouring. Of course we found a nice parking spot as far away from the door as possible. No problem, I had an umbrella. 

Didn't matter. The rain was coming down horizontal! As soon as I stepped out of the car my shoes were filled with water. By the time we made it to the door, we were soaked. My brother was inside and said, "movie is sold out." cue the blank stares. We had just trudged through a torrential downpour for this movie. Of course none of us really wanted to stay for the next showing so we decided to call it a wash. 

We huddled together and headed back out into rain. There was really nothing else to do but laugh. What kind of goofballs get out in that kind of weather to go to the movies?! 

We made it back to the car and we just couldn't help but laugh at ourselves some more. We were drenched, head to toe. 

It was actually a pretty miserable moment but also so fun. Sometimes it's easy to feel lost in the daily shuffle. Parenting, cancer, work, life. It's hard not to feel like you're going through the motions sometimes. 

It was so refreshing to have this moment. A "there we are!" moment. My husband and I are still madly in love and can have a fun time spending 5 minutes in the rain together. 

Unimaginable

I had actually planned to post about joy and suffering but it'll have to wait.

Today, my heart is so heavy. I heard about a story. Randy Rogers (ya, know, the band guy) had a baby girl recently. Rumer Rain only lived a few days. Sadly, their baby girl passed away. A seemingly healthy baby, just gone. They discovered some rare brain condition after birth. 

My heart just hurts for this family. For any family going through this. I cannot imagine a deeper, soul crushing pain. I have literally been thinking about it all day. Besides a spouse perhaps, losing a child has got to be the worst heartache. 

I think the only thing worse would be what happened to another poor family a few weeks ago. Families vacationing in New Braunfels were devastated when their vacation home was uprooted by floodwaters and smashed into a bridge. Only one survivor was found. That poor man. I'll bet a part of him wishes he had died with his family. Wife, gone. Kids, gone. There are two little children still missing. I think that would be worse. Dead and missing. He may never have the chance to say goodbye. Every day he has to think about his kids out in the elements. Where are they? If their deaths alone didn't drive him crazy, I'm sure the where thoughts would. I think it's safe to say I would be out there day and night searching. 

So today, I longed for my own baby. I wanted to hold her tighter, longer. I wanted to soak her up in a deeper way than every other day. I wanted to see her. I knew she was just fine at daycare but I wanted to see for myself. 

Love your babies. Hug them. Kiss them. Praise them. Raise them. Teach them. Enjoy the time you have.

The loss of a child is a pain I hope to God we never have to endure. It would break me.

Meeting Milestones!

Man have we been busy! Seems there's never a free moment around here.

Our sweet girl is 6 months old! SIX! I cannot even believe it. It seems like she's been here for just a short period and forever all at the same time. Little lady is 19lbs 1oz and 26.25" long. 

Here's what she has been up to:

Solid food! Daddy wanted to dabble in the purée business so we read up and started cooking. We started with green beans and carrots. Green beans were most definitely not her favorite. Carrots got a bit of a better review. 

Baby girl was also dedicated at church! It was a beautiful day. We had a small family get together before the church service. We had BBQ and cake and just enjoyed the company. I hope we can foster a committed relationship for Wesleigh with God. We are so blessed to be entrusted with her and want her to know that there is always someone there for her. It is so important to us for her to know Christ.

And most recently, we have a crawler! Yes, she's mobile! We better get to baby proofing.

I can't even describe the mixed emotions. It's so unreal to see this little person growing and learning new things. But it's also so bittersweet because she's not our tiny little baby anymore. Time is flying! #proudparents

First Mother's Day

We celebrated our first Mother's Day this past weekend!

What a difference a year makes! Last year Wes was in the womb and we had no idea who was growing in there. This year we have a beautiful (almost) 6 month old to celebrate with. 

Without her, I wouldn't be a mother. She has given me the greatest gift. She will forever be the one who first welcomed me into motherhood. She will be the first to call me "mom."

Taking care of her has been the greatest joy. She gives every day meaning. I could not be more thankful to God for entrusting us with her.

Jesse and I have a bond that has shown me true love but the bond she and I have is much different. It's a different kind of love. I hope one day she's blessed to experience it.

I hope that she knows that there is no greater privilege in life than being her mommy. I hope that she will always remember how much she is loved.

She is the very best thing her father and I have ever done. I hope I can make her proud to be my daughter! I hope her and I have the strongest of bonds. I hope she always knows she can share everything with me.

She will always be my first baby!

Eight Years

Most years I spend this day with a pit in my stomach. A yearly reminder of a scary time. 

But this year, we're celebrating. This year, Jesse kicked today's ass. He has put in so much time and effort into his recovery. He doesn't complain about the hand he was dealt. He has never let people discourage him from reaching his goals. 

Now, here he is, PASSING his big exam! Anything is possible if you set your mind to it and work hard. Jesse is only a couple more steps away from being a teacher! Now that he's passed his test, he'll have to send off for his certification. Then he can send out applications. We're hopeful he'll be hired soon enough and living out his dreams! 

8 years ago I thought I might lose him. But he's one hell of a fighter. So today I am thankful that he is still here. I'm thankful for the example he is. I'm thankful that he never gave up. I'm thankful for the time we've had together. I'm thankful that he's mine.

Because he's so determined, we are able to build a life together. We have been together 8 years. That's 8 long years of good times. We've both graduated college. We got married. We have a beautiful baby girl. 

We certainly know far too well about challenging times but we also know we have lots to be thankful for. God has blessed us in so many ways. 

When I think about this day, this year, I can't help but think maybe we needed this trial. Maybe we needed it to open our eyes and hearts to one another. A cementing moment in time where we knew our love was stronger than anything life threw at us. A moment in time for complete clarity to see that together is where we are meant to be. 

Now, we find ourselves facing hard times again. But I know we'll survive. We'll each pick up a load at the end of the day and keep on truckin'. As long as we have each other, we'll be just fine. 

So on this May 4, I'm simply a proud wife. My husband, my best friend, is making things happen and I couldn't be happier for him. 

ON THIS DAY IN OUR HISTORY: Jesse also chose me to be his forever 5 years ago today. I was ecstatic and had been waiting for what seemed like forever to say yes. I have never doubted for a second my choice to say "yes." What a wonderful ride it's been so far :)

Dad Update

Things have been a little crazy around here lately. I haven't updated in a while but lots has changed with Dad.

In November, Dad decided to give himself a break from chemo. He wanted to feel good when Wesleigh was born and he wanted to feel good for the holidays. And he did. 

In January, he had a doctors appointment and was ready to tell his oncologist he was done with chemo for good. She got him to agree to a CT scan to see what his tumors were up to. They grew. Some of them doubled in size. So he agreed to try a different chemo regimen. Because nothing is ever easy, he was unable to give the new chemo a whirl because of insurance. After two rounds of the old treatment, Dad just couldn't tolerate it anymore. 

At his third appointment of 2015, he walked in and quickly left before receiving treatment because he just simply couldn't do it again. He has had enough. 

So, Dad has been off of chemo for good since March but really kind of since November. Of course, this means that the cancer will eventually run its course. 

Dad has been fairly sick. He gets very weak and tired very easily. He sometimes has no appetite which doesn't help. We are doing our best to get him feeling somewhat better so he can enjoy some of the time he has left. 

Last week we called Hopsice. They will start their weekly visits next week. A nurse will come check on Dad and she'll make sure he's comfortable. They actually do a lot of things and ofer a completely different experience than I had thought. 

I think having Hopsice come is has really made things feel real. Things feel like they are progressing so much more quickly now. 

I'm not ready. I guess you never are. 

So, that's the short, emotionally detached version. I'm on the verge of a breakdown so simply stated facts are probably best for now. 

You're Going to be a Dad

A year ago today I woke up to the most special news and then I got to share it with my husband.

I woke up early in the morning and snuck out of bed. I went into our second bathroom, test in hand. I took the test and waited. Longest three minutes ever. As I sat there, I said a little prayer. I wanted so badly for it to be our time. I was afraid to look at the test and tried to give myself a pep talk in case God had other plans. 

PREGNANT. That's what the test said. I could hardly believe it. I started crying and thanking God. I was overcome with so many emotions. I was so excited. I had always wanted to be a mom. I was terrified. I had no idea how to be a parent. I was anxious to tell Jesse. I was surprised, I just knew it was going to be negative. I was thankful. 

After I had a moment to myself, I had to be sneaky to prepare a special box for Jesse. Since we had been actively trying, I ordered a shirt and had it already. I had already put the box together in anticipation so I just had to quietly get it from under the bed and put the test inside. 

I woke him up and gave him the box. He opened it, still half asleep, and found the test. I'll never forget. He giggled and said "that's great baby!" He found the shirt inside the box and it read "This guy is going to be a daddy."

It was a beautiful morning and here we are a year later with a beautiful 4 month old daughter! 

Baby Number Two?!

No no. Not yet. But sometimes we talk about it. In the distant future we talk about having a second child (sometimes Jesse even mentions a third!) 

Tonight, I can't even fathom a second. My heart is so full. Most of the time when I'm with Wesleigh I feel like my heart could just literally explode. 

I know mothers everywhere have more than one child and I know they say their love just grows and they welcome in a second child. But how?! 

(Tonight) I cannot even imagine having any more room in my heart for another child. How insane does that sound? 

I'm sure when the time comes we will both be so thrilled. We will buy Wesleigh every big sister shirt we can get our hands on. We will get out all of our newborn and baby things and oooooh and ahhhh over it all over again. We'll pick a name and we'll setup a nursery. We'll do everything we can to prepare ourselves to become a family of 4. 

And I'm sure baby #2 will come and I'm sure that our hearts will grow and we will love him or her just as much as Wes. We will be over the moon with excitement as baby #2 reaches milestones, just as we are for Wesleigh. This second child that will almost definitely make their way into our family will be one loved little person. 

But tonight, Wesleigh is the only little baby I need. She's the only one my heart has room for right now. I want to enjoy and cherish every little second. I want to soak her in. I want to learn every little expression, every giggle, every little freckle, her likes and dislikes. 

Never in a million years did I think I would be questioning my want for more children. I have always wanted 2 or 3. But now that we have a daughter, who to us is just perfect, sometimes it's hard to think of how my heart could ever make enough room for another. 

But I'm sure it will... one day.

Rolling Over

It's true what they say... Kids grow up in the blink of an eye! 

I know, she's only 3 months old, but it feels like the months are flying by. 

She already has so much personality! She giggles and it is the best sound I've ever heard. She jabbers; all the time. I wonder what she's saying! She is grabbing things and chewing things. She responds to her surroundings. It's all so bittersweet! 

Yesterday, she hit a big milestone! She rolled over!! Back to belly. She's been working hard at it for a couple of weeks and yesterday it finally happened. It feels a little silly to be so excited over it but I am quite literally so proud! I cried. I'm that mom. And I caught it on video so every time I watch it I get teary eyed all over again. 

Her next big task will be mastering the art of crib sleeping. I'm not ready but she's quickly outgrowing her rock n play. Hopefully it's a smooth transition but I foresee  some sleepless nights in our future.

Wesleigh will be 4 months old next weekend, can you believe it?!

Daycare Woes

I can't believe my time at home is almost over! Wesleigh will be starting daycare next week. 

I always knew I'd be a working mom but it still stinks! She's so small. I am lucky to have had 10 weeks home with her but it just doesn't seem like enough. 

This country needs to get with the times and offer better maternity leave like most other places in the world. 

She'll be close to home and my job so that's comforting in case I need to get to her quick.

I'm sure she'll love the interaction with other kids when she gets a little older and it'll be good for her to get social interaction with other people. She's just been extra clingy to me lately that I worry until she adjusts she's going to be miserable. 

My sweet husband helped yesterday and he probably doesn't even realize how much it meant to me. We take turns praying before dinner. Yesterday he prayed for a smooth transition for me and Wes next week. It's comforting to know that he sympathizes with how hard I anticipate leaving her will be. 

I hope I don't have a meltdown taking her the first few times. At least it'll be a short week since I start back to work on a Thursday. 

Here's hoping we both adjust quickly! 

Hair Bow Organization

It's been a hot minute since I've crafted anything. Probably a few months before Wesleigh was born. I got a big itch this past weekend so I decided to work on a project I've been wanting to make for a while: a hair bow organizer.

It was actually fairly easy but time consuming because (a) I have a little baby and (b) I wasn't happy with the color spray paint I initially bought. 

So here's what you need:

A wooden frame

Paint if you don't like the color of it

Screw hooks 

Staple gun and staples

Ribbon

I started by spray painting my frame. I got it 1/2 off at a Hobby Lobby. I chose something long and rectangular. It was black and I wanted it to be green so I purchased spray paint. Like I said, the initial color I bought was more yellowish than I wanted so my husband went and picked up something more green. Still a little more neon than I was hoping but we went with it anyway.

Once it was painted, we added the ribbon. I used four different kinds. You can use all the same pattern or different. I chose pinks and browns and zebra print. We just simply measured out even space between each ribbon and stapled the pieces on the frame with the staple gun. Spacing will vary depending on how many pieces of ribbon you want to use and the size of your frame.

Then my sweet husband screwed all of the hooks on along the bottom. These are for any headbands you want to hang that won't clip on the ribbons. We did one for every ribbon and added an extra on each end. You can use as many or as few hooks as you'd like. 

I added a little wooden zebra as embellishment with hot glue and may eventually add her name in wooden letters too.

That's basically it! Hang it on the wall and add your bows and headbands. Very easy project, especially if you get the right paint color the first go round and if you have a husband who takes pity on your poor math skills and helps figure out spacing :) 

And then you're not...

I think the strangest thing about pregnancy is that one day you are and the next day you aren't! Poof! 

Sometimes my whole pregnancy still feels so surreal. Like it didn't happen. Like I never was. Like a stork just left Wesleigh on our doorstep.

I think it's because (besides the new, not necessarily improved bod) everything just returns back to normal. You don't feel nauseous anymore... And let's face it, at one point, I thought I'd never eat normal again. You aren't swollen anymore. My feet hurt to walk on the day I delivered and the day after. I thought my feet might burst open. Now they are perfectly normal sized again, along with my hands.  You're belly is gone. I mean, you're left with some extra flab but the big, round belly, just gone. 

And then there's the actual labor. I still cannot believe that a human, a big big human, came out of me. One minute she was inside and the next she was out. And let's not forget the fact that it's unreal to think about how she could've fit in there in the first place. 

And she's not even two months yet and the whole thing feels like it was a lifetime ago. 

You spend nine months preparing for birth and then it's just over. Very weird this whole pregnancy thing. Very weird.

Motherhood... Thus far.

Let's face it, there's A TON of parenting advice out there... from the internet, from grandparents, from family members, from friends, from perfect strangers! Do this, don't do that. That's wrong, this is right. Try this, try that. You should [fill in the blank]. In my day, [insert advice].

I don't know a whole lot about motherhood so far but here's the main thing I've learned: Do what works for your family! (except the obvious harmful to baby things)

So here's what else I know:

Things don't go as planned. It seems since labor nothing has gone exactly like we've planned. I didn't plan on being induced. I didn't want an episiotomy (but let's face it, at almost 10lbs it wasn't the worst thing). I wanted an epidural but it quit working. We didn't intend on a NICU stay. Those are just things that happened in the first week! I guess our new family motto should be: Just go with it. We're finding more and more that with a baby, it's hard to make steadfast plans and things sometimes go awry. 

Feed your baby. It doesn't matter how you do it, just get your baby nutrition. This seems to be quite the touchy subject in mommy-land. I never intended on Wesleigh having formula. When you're in the NICU and your baby needs nourishment to get discharged, you'll try just about anything. I'm not less of a mom because my kid had to be on formula for 2 weeks. And if you use it for longer, you're not a bad mom either. I never intended on being a pretty much exclusively pumping momma. But I am. It's more important to me that Wes gets breastmilk than where she gets it from. Bottle or boob, she's getting my milk. I've got a lazy eater. Hell, we even have to pester her to keep her awake to eat from a bottle. Does pumping suck? Sometimes. Is it a bit inconvenient? Sure. But I'll be a working mom soon enough and my child will be drinking pumped milk from a bottle anyhow. Because I started pumping so early, I've got a pretty nice stash saved up so I won't have to stress as much about producing enough milk for daycare and hopefully we can keep her off formula for good (it's expensive!). 

What works for some doesn't necessarily work for others. This could be applied to anything baby related. Anything. Diapers, feeding, sleeping, soothing, cleaning, clothes, activities, childcare, discipline... In our house, my husband and I even do things differently. And while I struggle sometimes to let him just do things his way when he's helping, he's the dad and he can do things however he wants (except that whole no dangerous things thing again). For instance, I like to hold Wesleigh and snuggle her up to put her to sleep. He likes to put her in her sleeper and rock her. I tend to use a big glob of butt paste, he's not as generous. The point is, she's still getting her butt slathered with cream to prevent diaper rash. 

Bodily fluids are just a mom's new accessory. I assume that in a day's span I will inevitably be wearing some form of fluid that comes out of my child. Spit up: check. Pee: check. Poop: that too. At some point in the past 6 weeks, I have worn all three (and so has dad). 

All babies are different. Again, what works for one, might not for others. I heard nothing but rave reviews for Tommee Tippee bottles. So Tommee Tippee we bought. Turns out, Wesleigh does not do so well with Tommee Tippee bottles. The mouth is a bit too wide for her and milk was just spilling out the sides of her mouth. So back to the store we went. She does better with a regular ol' nipple like Dr. Browns. Most babies her age sleep a lot. She's not really into that. During the day, she prefers to fight sleep... and she's really good at it. But at night, she sleeps like a champ. While it'd be nice to have a little more down time during the day to do housework or something, I much prefer our odds that since she already likes to sleep at night, when she's a little older, she'll continue to do so. 

Baby nails are a tricky business! It's one of the most terrifying things about newborns in my opinion. What if you cut too close? What if baby moves and you clip skin? I've used the nail file because it's so risky.

While there are some subjects I'll never be swayed on (vaccines and co-sleeping..) lots of parenting topics are totally customizable to each family and each child. 

And we haven't even scratched the surface of parenting lessons. We're just getting started. We'll still have to face potty training, discipline, school, bras, periods, boys! religion, extracurriculars.. the list is endless. But we'll find what works for us. And while the resources and the advice (solicited or not) are helpful starting points, until we've tried things for ourselves, we won't know what works best for our family. 

The most important thing that I've learned thus far, the thing I learned on day one: there's nothing quite like the love you have for your child. There's nothing I wouldn't do for her. I would go to the ends of the Earth to help her, to comfort her, to keep her from pain and disappointment. I would take on all the bad she'll ever experience (and let's face it, life is rough, there will be pain) if it meant she wouldn't have to spend one second feeling it herself. You want only what's best for them and you'd do just about anything to ensure it. You worry. You feel the weight of the world on your shoulders to make all the "right" decisions for them. At the end of the day, all we can do is pray for her and love her. And boy do we love her!

I've also learned that it is entirely possible to love your spouse even more just because of how much they love their kids. 

So here's to watching her grow and doing the best we can! She's already changing so much! She's more alert. She makes the cutest little happy noises. We're on the verge of real, honest to God smiles... not just from gas. She's so strong she'll be rolling over soon enough. She's starting to recognize and follow more. And she's growing like a weed!