Motherhood... Thus far.

Let's face it, there's A TON of parenting advice out there... from the internet, from grandparents, from family members, from friends, from perfect strangers! Do this, don't do that. That's wrong, this is right. Try this, try that. You should [fill in the blank]. In my day, [insert advice].

I don't know a whole lot about motherhood so far but here's the main thing I've learned: Do what works for your family! (except the obvious harmful to baby things)

So here's what else I know:

Things don't go as planned. It seems since labor nothing has gone exactly like we've planned. I didn't plan on being induced. I didn't want an episiotomy (but let's face it, at almost 10lbs it wasn't the worst thing). I wanted an epidural but it quit working. We didn't intend on a NICU stay. Those are just things that happened in the first week! I guess our new family motto should be: Just go with it. We're finding more and more that with a baby, it's hard to make steadfast plans and things sometimes go awry. 

Feed your baby. It doesn't matter how you do it, just get your baby nutrition. This seems to be quite the touchy subject in mommy-land. I never intended on Wesleigh having formula. When you're in the NICU and your baby needs nourishment to get discharged, you'll try just about anything. I'm not less of a mom because my kid had to be on formula for 2 weeks. And if you use it for longer, you're not a bad mom either. I never intended on being a pretty much exclusively pumping momma. But I am. It's more important to me that Wes gets breastmilk than where she gets it from. Bottle or boob, she's getting my milk. I've got a lazy eater. Hell, we even have to pester her to keep her awake to eat from a bottle. Does pumping suck? Sometimes. Is it a bit inconvenient? Sure. But I'll be a working mom soon enough and my child will be drinking pumped milk from a bottle anyhow. Because I started pumping so early, I've got a pretty nice stash saved up so I won't have to stress as much about producing enough milk for daycare and hopefully we can keep her off formula for good (it's expensive!). 

What works for some doesn't necessarily work for others. This could be applied to anything baby related. Anything. Diapers, feeding, sleeping, soothing, cleaning, clothes, activities, childcare, discipline... In our house, my husband and I even do things differently. And while I struggle sometimes to let him just do things his way when he's helping, he's the dad and he can do things however he wants (except that whole no dangerous things thing again). For instance, I like to hold Wesleigh and snuggle her up to put her to sleep. He likes to put her in her sleeper and rock her. I tend to use a big glob of butt paste, he's not as generous. The point is, she's still getting her butt slathered with cream to prevent diaper rash. 

Bodily fluids are just a mom's new accessory. I assume that in a day's span I will inevitably be wearing some form of fluid that comes out of my child. Spit up: check. Pee: check. Poop: that too. At some point in the past 6 weeks, I have worn all three (and so has dad). 

All babies are different. Again, what works for one, might not for others. I heard nothing but rave reviews for Tommee Tippee bottles. So Tommee Tippee we bought. Turns out, Wesleigh does not do so well with Tommee Tippee bottles. The mouth is a bit too wide for her and milk was just spilling out the sides of her mouth. So back to the store we went. She does better with a regular ol' nipple like Dr. Browns. Most babies her age sleep a lot. She's not really into that. During the day, she prefers to fight sleep... and she's really good at it. But at night, she sleeps like a champ. While it'd be nice to have a little more down time during the day to do housework or something, I much prefer our odds that since she already likes to sleep at night, when she's a little older, she'll continue to do so. 

Baby nails are a tricky business! It's one of the most terrifying things about newborns in my opinion. What if you cut too close? What if baby moves and you clip skin? I've used the nail file because it's so risky.

While there are some subjects I'll never be swayed on (vaccines and co-sleeping..) lots of parenting topics are totally customizable to each family and each child. 

And we haven't even scratched the surface of parenting lessons. We're just getting started. We'll still have to face potty training, discipline, school, bras, periods, boys! religion, extracurriculars.. the list is endless. But we'll find what works for us. And while the resources and the advice (solicited or not) are helpful starting points, until we've tried things for ourselves, we won't know what works best for our family. 

The most important thing that I've learned thus far, the thing I learned on day one: there's nothing quite like the love you have for your child. There's nothing I wouldn't do for her. I would go to the ends of the Earth to help her, to comfort her, to keep her from pain and disappointment. I would take on all the bad she'll ever experience (and let's face it, life is rough, there will be pain) if it meant she wouldn't have to spend one second feeling it herself. You want only what's best for them and you'd do just about anything to ensure it. You worry. You feel the weight of the world on your shoulders to make all the "right" decisions for them. At the end of the day, all we can do is pray for her and love her. And boy do we love her!

I've also learned that it is entirely possible to love your spouse even more just because of how much they love their kids. 

So here's to watching her grow and doing the best we can! She's already changing so much! She's more alert. She makes the cutest little happy noises. We're on the verge of real, honest to God smiles... not just from gas. She's so strong she'll be rolling over soon enough. She's starting to recognize and follow more. And she's growing like a weed! 

My Husband is a Dad

This post is a month and a week overdue!

I know. I know. I say it all the time but my husband is pretty great. He's been absolutely wonderful since Wesleigh made her arrival.

From the second I called him to tell him that I was in labor he was the epitome of calm. He did his best to try and calm my nerves, which is never an easy task. 

He came straight home and drove us to the hospital. Let's face it, I was a nervous wreck and didn't need to be driving.

From the second they checked me in and hooked me up he was so supportive. He sat by the bedside and held my hand. He got me wet rags to cool me off. He continually told me how good I was doing. 

He was especially awesome during my actual delivery. I was doing fairly well until my epidural wore off. Then I had a complete meltdown. He kept calm. He helped count through my pushes (of course at the time I hated him for not counting faster). He encouraged me like you wouldn't believe when I wanted to give up because well, who wants to feel all 9lbs 8.6oz of baby coming out of their lady parts?! 

After delivery, when things got crazy, he did such a great job of trying to look after both of his girls. I sent him with Wes to the NICU because I thought she needed him more. She was just minutes old and would surely need her daddy. He was so incredible that he went back and forth between her and I until I was settled into a new room and we could both go see her. 

When I woke up after only two hours of sleep hysterical because (a) I was scared for my little girl and (b) I had to pee so bad and couldn't get out of bed because of the pain I was in, he didn't panic. He held me and let me cry then he helped me out of bed. 

We visited the NICU as often as we could. It was so sweet to watch him interact with his daughter. He clearly has a new love in his life and I'm perfectly okay with that. 

Jesse helped me nurse, he helped wash pump parts, he ran errands, he kept us fed. All while running on little sleep and having to go back to work. 

The help didn't stop when we got home. Because Wes was already on bottles in the NICU, it was easy for us to continue that at home. This made it so easy for him to help with feedings so I could sleep. He helps make dinner, clean, do little things around the apartment, run errands. He doesn't complain when he gets home from work and I need help with the baby. He doesn't complain that I hardly ever have dinner made anymore.  

I just don't think I'd be able to do any of this with anybody else. He's the best husband and he's the best daddy our little girl could ask for! 

Being a NICU Mom

We were thrust into the NICU life because baby girl had a bowel movement in utero. After being assessed, the NICU team diagnosed her with distressed breathing so Wesleigh was taken to be monitored.

I never in a million years thought I'd be a NICU mom. It's one of the hardest roles I've had.

When we first got to the NICU, it was four hours after delivery. I had to wait four hours to see my baby. Even then, we only got to stay thirty minutes. She was hooked up to several things: an IV, EKG leads, an OG tube, and oxygen. It was scary to see such a little person hooked up to so many things.

I hardly slept a wink after we had to leave the NICU because Wesleigh's hand IV had come out. After two hours of sleep, I woke up a hormonal crying mess. Of course I woke Jesse and then the nurse came in. I'm sure I scared them both. After the nurse checked my vitals, we hurried off to the NICU.

After a day in the NICU, I knew I wouldn't be a big fan. Some of the nurses were fantastic, but some of them acted like we were a nuisance. I know they see plenty of babies in their line of work but this baby was ours. They each had their own ways of doing things. We'd be doing something one way, then a shift change would happen and the new nurse would correct us. 

It was exhausting. 

Not to mention, trying to breastfeed was tough. It was such a process. Get chairs, get screens, get a breastfriend, I needed a nipple shield. And after all of the preparation, Wes would latch and nurse for 5 minutes then fall asleep. Really asleep. The lactation consultants couldn't even get her to budge. So I pumped. And I pumped and I pumped and I pumped. My milk took FOREVER to come in. In fact, it didn't really until we got home. 

Because Wesleigh wasn't gaining weight, we made the decision to start formula. It's not something we wanted but it's what she needed to get home. I thought I would be devastated that one more thing wasn't going according to plan. It was the opposite. I guess as a mom all that goes out the window when you have to decide what would be best for your child.  So we kept trying to nurse but mostly we formula fed. 

I will never forget the worst day of the NICU stay was Wednesday, the day before we got to leave. The new nurse was not my favorite. The hospital had a cool program that allowed nursing mothers to stay at the hospital as more of a hotel guest than a patient as long as there was a room available and a patient didn't need it. I was lucky enough to get to do this. 

On that day, the doctor had let me know that Wes was going to room in with me so they could watch her off the monitors. Not even two minutes later I got a call saying to pack my things because they needed the room. Talk about a hormonal swing! I panicked and I fell apart.

It was my first day alone, Jesse had gone back to work. I knew he wouldn't be able to come so I called my mom. She hurried to the hospital and stayed until I calmed down. Supposedly because we were going to room in my status had changed at the hospital and they weren't supposed to just kick me out. I waited in limbo all day... With a nurse who seemed to hate everything I was doing. She even questioned what kind of bra I had on.

Finally they gave me a room that wasn't going to be used because of some faulty equipment. Fine by us, we just needed the bed. They told us Wes would be discharged Thursday (probably) so Jesse took off and came to stay with us Wednesday night. 

Thursday morning we were all ready to go when the new nurse (whom I loved) told us Wes' weight was still a concern and we may be staying. 

Thankfully, the NICU pediatrician said we could go because we'd be seeing our pediatrician the next day. We were ecstatic!

Our birth photographer even came and took some extra pictures of her since we missed out on delivery day.

We all put on our going home outfits, Dallas Cowboys attire for everyone, and by lunchtime we were all three home!

I know in my mind that it could've been so much worse. Some of those babies were so tiny and so sick. But in my heart, it felt like the end of the world. 

I'm so thankful that Wes is thriving and doing so well. So now, here we are, just trying to get the hang of parenting; glad that we can put our NICU parent hats back on the rack!

Birth Story

Holy whirlwind Batman!

A checkup at the doctor on 11/14/14 turned into "get to the hospital, we're going to induce you today." I was on bed rest for high blood pressure for a week and a half. At my Friday appointment, it was the highest it had been. So, cue panicked calls to the right people. I called Jesse at Amazon and told him it was go time. Even though I was instructed to go straight to the hospital, I wasn't about to go all unprepared. Jesse and I met up at our place and grabbed all of the bags.... good thing I finally got around to packing them! I called my mom and dad and told them I was being induced.

Jesse and I got to the hospital around lunchtime. By 2:30pm I was checked in and hooked up. They started me on Pitocin to get me contracting. Nothing major happened for hours and at 6:00pm the on-call doctor took pity on me and turned the meds off so that I could eat and shower. After almost 4 hours, I was still only dilated to maybe 2cm. So I ate and showered and then they inserted a medication called Cervadil. I hardly slept a wink. Nurses coming in to check the monitors (turns out baby didn't like having their heartbeat tracked so there was lots of monitor adjusting), machines beeping, nerves in high gear. The Cervadil worked through the night and the next morning they took that out and started the Pitocin again. At 11:30am when I was still only 2cm dilated, the doctor came in and broke my water. SO. MUCH. GUSHING. I felt like there must have been 5 gallons of liquid leaking... all day long. Turns out, there was meconium in my amniotic fluid because baby had a bowel movement. The nurse said it may have been due to stress from my high blood pressure. This meant that the NICU team would be called when it was time to deliver.

Well having my water broken did the trick to strengthen my contractions. By 1:00pm I was begging for an epidural. I felt amazing after they got it going. At about 3:00pm when I was still not really dilating, the nurse started to put me into some rather wonky positions. I was on my side with one leg held up in the stirrup and the other stretched behind me. Every 45 minutes or so the nurse would come in a flip me. She also had me sitting up on the edge of the bed. All this to try and get baby to descend further into the birth canal. By 3:45pm when the doctor came to check my cervix, I was 5cm dilated. He inserted an internal contraction monitor so that they could see how strong my contractions actually were.

Finally about 10pm I was 10 cm dilated! It was time to start pushing. Of course, nothing had been easy about my labor so why should pushing be any different? My epidural started to wear off in the throws of pushing. Besides for that going on, I was also very nauseous. In fact, it helped me push baby out because I started vomiting. It really helped get baby in the right position so for that I guess I should be grateful. I have no idea what time it was but when baby was crowning they called Dr. Sabella to come in to catch baby. He was fairly upset when he got setup for delivery only to learn that I could feel EVERYTHING that he was doing. They rushed to get me some more numbing medicine (including shots of local anesthetic right where you're thinking!). He gave me a 2nd degree episiotomy to accommodate baby's big head.

With Jesse's awesome coaching skills, I had kept it together pretty well. But, when baby started crowning, I fell apart. I was screaming, I did a little cussing, I told them to get baby out or put baby back in. By then, I just needed delivery to be over. It's true what they say though, once baby is out there is an instant feeling of relief and boy was it ever! I was so anxious to find out baby's sex and was about to have a fit when what I thought was an annoying gesture turned into a sweet one. Before labor, Dr. Sabella asked what the names were going to be for baby. When baby came out he started singing "Happy Birthday." Of course I just kept asking, "what is it?!" Then I heard it, "Happy Birthday dear Wesleigh, happy birthday to you!" A little girl. Jesse cut the cord and the doctor took his guess that I had just given birth to a 10lb baby. He was close. After some confusion, we finally figured out her stats: Wesleigh Rae was born 11/15/14 at 11:19pm weighing a whopping 9lbs 8.6oz and measuring 21.5in long.

Insert chaos. The NICU team had been called in because of the meconium issue. They started assessing Wesleigh and determined that her breathing was too fast. They were going to take her to the NICU for more evaluation. Jesse  had gone over to the baby incubator with her and when I was told they were taking her, I sent him with her. Poor guy didn't know which of us needed him more. As all of this was going on with Wesleigh, I was experiencing a postpartum hemorrhage. I was losing more blood than they liked. After they sewed me up, which I could feel (Ouch!), they started poking and prodding me. From what I remember, the doctor inserted medicine rectally, I was given shots in both legs, they attempted a second IV (even though I told them it was pointless), and they hung up new meds in my existing IV. All I can really remember is I was so dizzy and so concerned about Wesleigh. Nobody was telling me anything because all of the people working on me weren't working on her.

A nurse finally brought her over to me but because they had laid me so far back and because I was so dizzy I didn't feel comfortable holding her. It's a moment I missed out on and I'll always be sorry I did. I only got to see my daughter for a fleeting moment before they whisked her away.

They finally got me to stop bleeding and just like that the room was empty. It was like nothing had ever happened. Jesse came back to check on me when he had to leave the NICU so they could get Wesleigh taken care of. I remember having a melt down. Besides still being light headed, I felt guilty. The nurse had mentioned my high blood pressure could have caused the bowel movement and my hormones were raging. Those moments can go on the top three list for times I felt most helpless and most afraid. And I was literally paralyzed (from the waist down) and couldn't do anything to help either of us.

Thankfully the dizziness subsided. I was able to get a little update from Jesse and he had brought pictures to show me of our sweet little girl. She was covered in tubes and wires but she was beautiful and she was ours. My epidural finally wore off again and I was allowed to be moved to a recovery room after a while of being observed. When they finally got me settled in my new room, they wheeled me to the NICU and we finally got to hold our little girl. Wes was in the NICU for 6 days and that was a whole different experience. I was so relieved when we all got to go home.

So, labor and delivery were nothing like we planned. In fact, in birth class they tell you to write out a birth plan. I could have written 100 birth plans and none of them would have been remotely close to this. I wish so many things had gone differently. The panic, the episiotomy, the epidural not working properly, the meconium, the NICU, the postpartum hemorrhage, not getting to hold my baby, our families not being able to see baby after waiting 30+ hours. I am, however, thankful that at the end of the day we all survived to tell about it. 

Induction

Well, that escalated quickly! I had a doctor's appointment yesterday and my blood pressure was as high as it has been... So off to the hospital we were sent!

I was a bit shocked to say the least. I called Jesse and he met me at home to grab our bags and we headed to St. Luke's. After what seemed like an eternity, we were put in Labor and Delivery room 9. At about 2:30pm I was finally hooked up to pitocin to try and kick start labor. It certainly did cause contractions! I hadn't been feeling them on my own but the pitocin took care of that. At 6pm when I hadn't made any more progress than the 1.5cm I arrived at, the doctor took pity on me and stopped the meds so I could eat and shower. At about 8:30pm they gave me a different medicine called cervadil. That was in all night. This morning they removed that and I got checked... 2 whopping centimeters after all that. 

They are going to start me back on the pitocin soon. The only good news is that I'm starting to feel contractions on my own without the meds. 

Also, in my boredom this morning while Jesse snoozes away, I found out that our baby will share a birthday with Sam Waterston aka Jack Mcoy of Law and Order (if baby makes their grand arrival today). How appropriate :)

Pregnancy Woes

Sometimes pregnancy stinks. All the unknowns are a tough pill to swallow. 

Our last two appointments haven't gone as swimmingly as we'd hoped.

Two weeks ago we went to the doctor for our first real check on baby's delivery status. We had an ultrasound that estimated baby was rather large. Head down, but big. The doctor is a bit concerned that if baby gets too much bigger before our due date that baby won't fit through the birth canal. This brings up fun topics like induction and c-section. My OB said she'd rather I not go past my due date so hopefully baby will come out on its own soon.

This week brought on a whole new issue; high blood pressure. I have not had one bad blood pressure reading this whole pregnancy, yesterday I registered a whopping 146/95! That along with what the doctor perceived to be more swelling than usual landed me on bed rest. Until I'm cleared by blood work, the bed and I are best friends.

The good news is that I kept my feet propped up all afternoon and all night and my feet actually look like feet today, not sausages. The swelling in my legs seems to be less too. I feel fine so hopefully the blood pressure reading was a fluke due to stress (which seems even more abundant this week). 

Still not dilated much but apparently my cervix is thinning a bit. Baby was still head down this week which was about the only good news I got yesterday. 

Oh, and pelvic exams are a thing of the devil.

UPDATE: 

We heard back from the doctor today and all of my blood work came back normal. High blood pressure seems to have just been stress. I'm still on bed rest until our next appointment Monday morning but I'm feeling fine. I think the extra rest has done me much good if nothing else. Still waiting for baby to get this show on the road!!

Baby's Almost Here

Today I am 36 weeks pregnant! Can you believe it!?

The past two months we have been taking all kinds of baby classes. We took a breast feeding class, a baby care class, and a birthing class. Some of it was a bit overwhelming but definitely stuff we need to know. There's a lot of things to know about bringing a newborn home and the classes made us feel a bit more prepared.

I finally packed us a hospital bag and filled the diaper bag so I guess all we really need to do is figure out how to install the car seat!

Life seems to be slowing a bit which I'm extremely thankful for because for the past few months it was go, go, go! 

For your viewing pleasure... We hired a photographer, Brittany Brooks Photography, to take some maternity photos of us.

Baby Showers Galore

Phew! Haven't blogged in a bit so I'll probably post a couple entries. Let's start with baby showers!!

Early Septemeber we had a baby shower in San Angelo. It was hosted by a bunch of my mom's friends and Allison. Everything was so cute and safari themed. We played a bunch of games and baby was spoiled rotten! When we got home, you could hardly see the nursery floor because of all the gift bags. 

Mid September, my friends hosted a shower for us here in San Antonio. It was at Kayeligh's house and so much fun! The cake was so adorable and it tasted just as good as it looked! Baby got even more goodies and I was finally ready to try and tackle finding a home for everything.

In October, my coworkers surprised us with another shower! There was cake and we got a few goodies and everyone chipped in to buy us a playpen.

Baby is super set when it comes to things he/she will need. I finally found a home for everything after a weekend spent cleaning out closets and a trip to the storage unit. I guess it's fair to say that we are about as ready as we are going to be for baby's arrival.

Pregnancy Update

It's been a while since I've posted about baby. We've been BUSY! I don't think we've ever been so busy since I've become pregnant and it doesn't seem like our calendars will clear anytime soon. 

Let's see.... 

At the end of June, we visited family in the Houston area. That's when I first felt baby move! We were at a baseball game and baby must've enjoyed it. That was at 19 weeks.

Jesse was able to feel baby at 21 weeks. We were lying in bed one morning and Jesse had put his hand on my growing belly. I started to feel baby kick so I told Jesse to move his hand a little to the left... Baby kicked daddy for the first time! 

It's still so surreal every time baby moves. I catch myself just staring trying to see my belly move. Baby moves most at night after I shower and get relaxed lying in bed. It's cool to watch but also sort of wonderfully weird. 

What else have we been up to?

We traveled to a Fiveash family reunion, that would be my mom's side of the family. We welcomed a new niece into the family. We celebrated Dad's 58th birthday with a limo ride to dinner. My sister in law Amanda gave birth July 20th to baby Amelia. We traveled to Lubbock for a small Hanrahan get together. Jesse's sister who lives in Utah drove her family to Lubbock and we all met there for the weekend. We got to meet two of our nieces and see the others. This weekend I attended a baby brunch  for a friend who is due 11 days before us.

What's next? Well, we are super excited to be celebrating Baby H next month. Next month we are having a baby shower in San Angelo and one in San Antonio. We've also signed up for 3 classes at the hospital: baby care, breast feeding, and childbirth. Lots of birthdays to celebrate in October and baby will be here in November! 

I can't wait for the showers. I'm ready to celebrate! I'm also ready to get the nursery organized. After the showers, I'm hoping to really get things ready for baby's arrival. 

Had a little scare a couple weeks ago. I was in a fender bender. Very minor but scary none the less. Baby is fine and that's what is most important! I'm so thankful that the accident wasn't worse.

Health wise, baby has been great at all of our check ups. Next week I have to take my glucose test for gestational diabetes. 

Busy busy busy! It's hard to believe in about 3 months baby will be here! The holidays are going to be a little crazy this year! We better get some shopping done early.

Daniel 3:17

Ever doubt your faith? Think God isn't listening? Feel alone?

After a tough moment yesterday, it's all I could think about. I was reminded of the biggest battle going on in our lives. Reminded with a swift kick to the gut. Cancer blows. It could be worse, but it could be better. It seems cancer has a way of rearing it's ugly head just when you least expect it. It's terrible and it leaves me feeling lost in faith.

I was thinking this morning on the way to church that I needed to dive into the Bible and find some kind of scripture to help me get through this tough moment. To help me run to God, not from Him.

See, when Jesse was in his accident, I couldn't run far enough, fast enough. Instead of turning to God, I got angry. I was mad at God for allowing this to happen to Jesse, to me. I didn't understand how something so awful could happen to someone so good. Why us? Why now? Why? The truth is, I'll never have answers. I never get to know. I can speculate. Maybe God wanted us to see that this relationship was the one worth fighting for. Maybe He wanted us to grow together. Who knows.

With Dad's cancer diagnosis, I made a conscious decision to run to God, and not further away. I wanted to do it different this time. I know I will never have answers for this trial either but this time I want to be okay with that. I want a better relationship with God despite my struggle with this devastating blow.

So, I needed to feel Him today. More than some other days. I was tested yesterday and felt like I failed. I was angry again. I was mad about cancer. I was mad about God allowing this to happen. The truth is, God doesn't do things TO us.

This morning's sermon was my first clue that God is listening. God knows that I suffer. He knows that cancer is breaking my heart. He knows that I get angry and that I'm flawed. That's what this morning's sermon was about. How even though we are flawed, we make mistakes, we do wrong, He loves us anyway. "He loves us because of who we are, not in spite of it." He sees past the imperfection, not because He has to but because he can still use us and work on us even if we're broken. At close, the song "He Loves Us" played and I was again reminded that He is on my side. He does care about me and my heartaches.

Clue two was a blogpost. I recently started following a Facebook page called "Scissortail Silk." A blogpost drew me in and today another post tugged at my heart strings. The post was about hope after miscarriage. No, I have never suffered miscarriage. But the sentiment can be applied to my current situation nonetheless. She wrote about Daniel 3:17.

There is a story in the Bible that tells about King Nebuchadnezzar who built a statue of himself and declared that all of the people bow and worship it. Three men of God defied the king and were threatened with death. Their response? “If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to save us from it, and He will rescue us from your hand, O king. But even if he does not… we want you to know, O king that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up.” 

Even if he does not...

This is what she was writing about. Even if God does not "rescue" us, He is still worthy. He is still good. He is still there. He still hears us.

At church, the past few weeks have been dedicated to Life Verses. Maybe this is mine. This is my ultimate struggle. Trusting God in hard times. Finding Him when I can't feel his grace. Maybe this is my life verse because I need to be reminded that God is good all the time and all the time God is good.

I know I will be afflicted with this feeling of doubtfulness in all the trials of my life. It's my biggest imperfection. But when I least expect it and most need it, God is there to remind me. I am not alone. I do not have to walk alone in my troubles.

"There is hope during cancer." There is hope during any tribulation in life.

Father's Day

Last weekend we celebrated Father's Day!

It was Jesse's first as a dad-to-be! We took our favorite dads out for lunch to BJ's Brewhouse where we chowed down until we couldn't eat another bite. Mozzarella sticks,  entrees, and pizookies for dessert! The restaurant was handing out special Father's Day glasses to all the dads who dined in.

We also opened gifts. For dad, we have a fun weekend in Houston planned. we are taking him to a Skeeters minor league baseball game next weekend. Jesse was spoiled rotten (as he should be!). We had decided that Baby H would be coming home from the hospital in Dallas Cowboys gear. So for Father's Day, I ordered all the necessary things... a onesie and depending on boy or girl: a beanie and sweatpants or ruffle bottoms and a bow. I also ordered Jesse a shirt to match. Since everything was delivered in time, I wrapped it up to give to Jesse. Since it was all baby related, I also got him a Spurs shirt (didn't you hear? NBA CHAMPS!) because he has become a fan this year!

In other news:

Dad had a CT scan this past week. Good results! His tumors are still shrinking and there is no new growth in any other organs. Chemo has been taking its toll on dad more so these days so at least it's doing its job!

Not a whole lot of new news on Baby H. We have an ultrasound scheduled for July 2 and we can't wait to see baby again! I also have discovered the magic of maternity pants!! Seriously, may never wear regular pants again. I made it 18 weeks before breaking down and heading to the maternity store.We've picked up a few new outfits for little bit but haven't bought much else. There is a baby shower in the works so we went and started a registry at Babies R Us and Target.

Moose's one year adopt-iversary is coming up next week!! We have absolutely loved having her :)

Second Trimester

Well, today I am officially 16 weeks pregnant!

Here's what we've been up to:

May was a rough rough month as far as pregnancy side effects go. I was sick as a dog. I also got to experience this really awesome pain... pregnancy sciatica. Thankfully, after a week, baby must've moved because the pain has since stopped. June looks to be a much more promising month! Today, I decided to see where I'm at sans nausea/vomiting medication. So far so good (but I still have to eat dinner!). I have done pretty good today and feel a little more energized too without the meds adding to my exhaustion. Enough with the whining!

We bought nursery furniture! Baby H now has a crib and a dresser. I spent a day cleaning out some things in the office (ahem, nursery) and then we spent the rest of the weekend building. It's pretty surreal to walk into the room and see baby things. Sometimes I just stand in front of the crib and wonder about life post delivery. There will be a baby in this crib, in this apartment, in our lives. I wonder about who it'll look like. Who it will act like. [Side note: baby will continue to be an "it" because we aren't finding out the gender.] Grandma and Grandpa Donaldson bought baby a car seat/stroller combo so that's put together and ready to be used also.

Baby seems to be the only thing we've been up to lately. There is lots to think about and discuss, some of which I will probably procrastinate way too long on (finding a pediatrician and daycare!).

We had a doctor appointment last week and baby has a strong heartbeat, 144! Now we have to wait an agonizing 3 1/2 weeks for our next sonogram. I love to see baby on the monitor and the last time Jesse went the baby just looked like a gummy bear.

So, baby baby baby. That's what we've been up to! I'm getting more and more eager to meet whoever this is growing inside of me (I say girl, Jesse says boy) so I hope some of this pregnancy starts to fly by!

UPDATE: The weekend of no meds ended up being a DISASTER! 

Baby H Update

Say hello to Baby H!

It's so cool to see baby on the monitor! Today he/she was quite the teeny little wiggle worm!! This go round baby actually looks like a baby too. 

I've been suffering from some pretty nasty morning (noon and night) sickness and I've been exhausted, otherwise I might not believe baby was in there. 

I'd like to take a minute to do what I love to do: brag on Jesse! He has been A-MAZING! He takes such good care of me and has picked up so much slack on top of his job. I could not ask for a better partner in life and I know he'll be the best daddy a baby could ask for!! 

Everything looks good thus far with Baby H so for now we're just going to keep praying for a healthy baby and hopefully start purchasing baby things soon!

It's public!

Well those last posts didn't add in the correct order so I hope y'all can figure it out!

Today we made our baby Facebook official! The secret is out! 

It was becoming increasingly hard to keep up with who knew what and we were getting wind that some people were talking despite our gag order. We are very excited that it no longer has to be a secret and we can happily talk about it with anybody and everybody. 

Lots of prayers please that baby bean stays healthy! We go back for another ultrasound 5/8!!

But then....

SURPRISE!! 

Yep, 4 tests say I'm PREGNANT! Say what!? So here I am, making another top secret post until we decide to announce (which is becoming increasingly more difficult because I want to scream it from the mountaintops). 

I could hardly believe it. My period still hadn't shown by Saturday so I decided to take the last test we had in the apartment. I knew I'd be testing so I hardly slept a wink. I was up extra early and snuck out of bed to test. Longest three minutes ever. I turned on a timer and promised myself I wouldn't look until three minutes had passed. I prayed. I prayed for a happy, healthy baby. I prayed for God's timing. I prayed for peace. Of course I was also teary eyed. Then, after three, extra long, minutes I got the courage to look at the test. As you can see, it was positive! I cried. I was so shocked because I was so convinced that a stressful week had led to a missing period. 

When we first decided to start TTC, I had lots of ideas of how to tell Jesse. I decided on a t-shirt. I ordered a shirt that says, "This guy is going to be a daddy." I had it all ready for whenever I'd need it. So Saturday morning I grabbed the box and threw my positive test in with the shirt. I hurried into the bedroom and woke him (we had to be up early because it was his mom's wedding day!). I told him I had gotten him a little gift in honor of his mom's wedding day (I had to come up with something haha). 

He opened it while I recorded. He giggled the most perfect, adorable giggle and said, "Great baby." I had to tell him there was more in the box besides the test. After he saw the shirt, of course I hopped in bed for a hug :) I think at 5:30am it was a lot to take in haha

Well, to complicate things, we only had a little time to be so incredibly excited because we still had to get dressed and ready to go out of town, where we'd have to keep our mouths shut pretty much all day about our new little secret. Boy was it tough! My mom rode with us (and her wee little new grand baby bean) so we didn't even have the car ride to process out loud what we had just found out. My sister in law is pregnant and due in just a couple of weeks so there was lots of talk about pregnancy, babies, and pregnant ladies. Of course I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs, "I'M PREGNANT TOO!" But of course, we didn't want to steal my mother in law's thunder and we also want to wait until we go to the doctor and are probably 8 weeks along.

So all day we were quiet. We stopped by the store on the way home to get more tests because I'm crazy and needed lots of proof. Then when we got home, we rejoiced. I prayed some more. We spent the evening talking about Baby H. Sunday, we were home almost all day. I sat around preparing a chalkboard and an announcement. That's right, we're ready already to announce our pregnancy :) It's going to be so cute! 

I called today and made an appointment for Wednesday to see the OBGYN. I can't wait to have it confirmed by her.

We've talked and it almost still doesn't feel real (if I wasn't peeing every 10 min I'd definitely not believe it!) I think it'll really hit us when we see our little bean on an ultrasound, hear it's little bitty heartbeat. We are already so in love with this little life growing inside me. I'm scared to say the least of all of the what ifs but we couldn't be happier to start this new chapter. Jesse is already the most adorable daddy!

We can't wait for Baby H to make his or her arrival, we think in November :)

Pregnancy Thoughts Thus Far

At 5 weeks 2 days I don't know much about pregnancy but here's what I do know:

1. Baby bloat is no joke!

2. I pee very very often.

3. Putting on stretchy pants is the absolute best feeling (see #1).

4. Keeping quiet about such a big secret is 100% torture!

5. I want to sleep so much!

6. Being pregnant is scary. Everything freaks me out.

For real, this is all still so surreal. I don't really have any pregnancy side effects yet (knock on wood!) so besides for the extra peeing and the fact that my pants are already tight and uncomfortable, I feel normal. 

Our first dr appointment is tomorow and I'm so excited (and nervous!). I would love nothing more than for the OBGYN to confirm that I am indeed pregnant. I'd also love to see baby bean on an ultrasound but don't think I'm far enough along for that just yet.

UPDATE 3/19/14: We have decided that we will be telling our parents about Baby H April 6, the day of our church's annual Kite Day. We've invited Nancy and Denis and my parents. We've got a cute little plan and can't wait to share the big news. As for Jesse's dad and Debbie who live out of town, we have a plan to send them a special little package that same weekend :) We want to talk to the doc before deciding when to tell everyone else. So now I am even more anxious and impatient to get the word out!!

UPDATE UPDATE 3/19:14: Saw the dr earlier today. We are indeed PREGNANT! Scheduled our first ultrasound for April 4!! If the next two weeks could just fly by, that'd be great :)

Scream and shout!

"I'M PREGNANT! I'M PREGNANT! I'M PREGNANT!"

Man, I just want to scream this and tell the whole world!

I want to tell people. I want to tell people why I can't stop inhaling food. I want to tell people why I'm so exhausted. "Why are you so tired lately?" I'M GROWING A HUMAN! 

I'm running out of excuses. And I'm a little tired of lying to everyone. I feel like for a month or two everything we say has been a lie. "When are you going to start TTC?" We don't know (we did already). "Why do you need off work?" Insert some random appointment (I have to meet with the OB, we're having an ultrasound). "Why aren't you drinking?" Gave it up for lent (pregnant people can't drink). "Are you not still doing the diet?" Yea sure (pregnant people shouldn't do diets that dramatically decrease calorie intake). "Do you have kids?" No (not technically, but in 8 months).

Oy, I'm ready for everyone to know so we can stop lying and just start being excited around everyone. The only person who knows is my boss, Tim. I felt like I had to tell him to make sure my job was safe for baby. I work around a lot of chemicals and needed to know what to avoid. Now he looks at me silly and wants to mention it but I swore him to secrecy. 

This is by far the hardest secret we've ever had to keep and I'm finding it harder and harder by the minute. Here's to April 6!! It can't come soon enough! 

TTC

I didn't publish this blog post right away because we wanted our TTC journey to be ours. I did want to keep my thoughts though so now I'm posting about our trying to conceive experience. It may be a little TMI so read at your own risk!

2/9/14: So in January, we had some very serious discussions about where we wanted to be this year. I was leaning towards house but Jesse wanted to wait a bit. When faced with the decision, he wanted babies over a house. So we signed another lease. We'll be residents here until at least 2015. 

In other news, we started TTC! I stopped taking my BC pills January 9th. We haven't told anyone. We really want this journey to be ours and ours alone. We don't want the added pressure of people's opinions and hundreds of questions. I especially dread the thought of having to answer the inevitable "so are you pregnant yet? How long have you been trying?" questions. So here we are, walking down this road with only each other. It's a little scary, but very exciting! 

2/11/14: I've gotta tell ya, so far TTC is for the birds. I was so hopeful that month one would be some miracle month and that I'd be pregnant already. Apparently that's not really how it works and our first month of trying was unsuccessful. I was pretty bummed. I had visited my GYN and she warned me that my cycle may be a little off the first couple of months after stopping BC. Well, she was right and my hopes were high only to be dashed by a negative pregnancy test and a two day late period. So, we'll keep trying. We are just getting started so while I was really wishing for an awesome first try, I know it'll happen for us soon enough. I suppose the silver lining is we will definitely make the one year mark that we sorta set for ourselves to be married before starting a family. Yay us.

2/13/14: Today, I got a flu shot. Why? Because my GYN recommended I get one. Pregnant women (which I hope to be soon enough) are immunosupressed so, flu shot. I never get a flu shot. Never. But, you do whatcha gotta do when you're trying to create a human! Good news is my $39 shot was completely covered by insurance :) 

2/25/14: Turns out when you're TTC, every little thing feels like a pregnancy symptom. This weekend I was extremely dizzy. I spent most of Sunday in bed trying to fight it. I tried eating and drinking plenty of water, no real change. I didn't start feeling better until almost bedtime. This brings me to my point... Is this dizziness an indicator of pregnancy?! I've never had this happen before. Of course I immediately jumped on google. Apparently dizziness may very well mean pregnancy. Or it could be 101 other things. I suppose we'll be waiting (a LONG) two weeks to see.

3/10/14: So my period again was a no show. Took a test. Got this. 

Needless to say, we weren't excited. I was really hoping the dizziness was a sure sign of pregnancy. So we thought, on to month three....

Dress in Blue

March is Colorectal Cancer Awareness month! Today is Dress in Blue Day! 

We asked everyone we know to wear blue today and I am so touched by how many people participated. Mom and Dad received several pictures and texts today of people showing their support by wearing blue.

Jesse and I both put on our blue bright and early. I am head to toe blue today. My nails, my earrings, my clothes, my socks, my shoes, even my undergarments are blue today! 

This cause has very much so become near and dear to us. Dad was diagnosed Sept 2012 with stage IV colon cancer. We found out it had spread to his liver and he was considered terminal. Dad has undergone so many rounds of chemo fighting for his life. It hasn't always been pretty but he keeps on truckin'. 

We are so glad that Dad has been doing so well lately. After having a major setback in May 2013, he is doing much better. They have found him a new set of meds to keep his side effects at bay most of the time too. 

Lots of life changes have been made but here we all are. Supporting one another and getting Dad the treatment he needs to keep him around for a long, long time!!

TBI Awareness

March has been an awareness month for us for (almost) 7 years. This year, March will have two awareness ribbons (stay tuned for a colon cancer awareness post!). 

March is TRAUMATIC BRAIN INJURY AWARENESS MONTH. Jesse has suffered from and lived with a TBI since May 2007. Really, we're lucky. Lucky that he's recovered so well, lucky that he's able to lead a normal life, lucky that he's alive. God was surely watching over him May 4, 2007.

I know most people in our lives know his story but I'd like to share it anyway. I'll try to be brief!

It was the day after his 18th birthday and the day school was officially over for the summer. We had survived our first year of college and were looking forward to many trips to see one another. We had been dating 3 months.

Jesse made it safely back to Georgetown and went out to dinner late with his sisters and one of their friends. I had called him and he told me he was on his way home and would call me back. It got later and later and I hadn't heard from him. I must've called a million times before I fell asleep. Finally, at almost midnight my phone rang. "Hello, I'm calling from University Medical Center Brackenridge. Do you know Jesse Hanrahan?" After telling the nurse that I was his girlfriend, she only wanted to know if I knew who he was with. She offered up no other information except that he was in a car accident and was at the ER. I wasn't family, I didn't get to know anything more. 

I hung up the phone and let out the eeriest scream my mother said she has ever heard. I woke my parents. I couldn't really tell them anything so my mom called the number back and got directions. We threw on clothes and got in the car. My dad drove us an hour (longest one of my life) to the hospital. By the time we got there, Jesse's dad was there and told the staff I could go back and see Jesse. In fact, I think he was a little relieved because Jesse's mom was in Dallas and he had two kids in the ER to look after himself. I was able to sit with Jesse while he tended to Alysse (Jesse's sister). I remember so vividly that night. The doctor sat me in a chair. She told me all of the things wrong with Jesse; it wasn't a short list. Before she took me back she said, "He won't look as handsome as the last time you saw him." She was right. He looked terrible. Tubes everywhere. Blood everywhere. Cuts and bruises. He suffered from: a TBI, a kidney lac, a broken tibia and fibula, a gash on his forehead, cuts and scrapes on his arms and hands, a fractured orbital bone (his eye was as big as a golf ball and every shade of blue and purple). He was sedated but started to get rowdy while I was sitting alone with him. I remember pinning him down on the bed while I called for a nurse. He was trying his darnedest to pull his tubes out. I remember sitting by him, so scared, talking to him, telling him I was there and that I loved him and needed him to be ok. I was running my hands through his blood soaked hair. Taking in all of his injuries. When the OR was ready, they wheeled him out. 

He was in surgery for his broken leg. He stomped on the brakes so hard during impact that he snapped his lower leg in half. I just sat in the waiting room. I couldn't believe this was happening. When he came out of surgery, my parents took me home. The last thing I wanted to do was leave. I went home, showered, took a quick nap, ate and headed back. The ICU nurses let us go back and stay longer than I think was allowed. I found out that the surgeons wanted to remove part of Jesse's brain because of the bleeding and swelling. Mike told them absolutely not. So we waited. I remember calling his parents so many times asking if they had woken him and taken him off the sedation. When they finally did, I was there and I was shocked. 

Jesse couldn't make a coherent thought. He couldn't say my name. He knew what he was trying to say but it was coming out a jumbled mess. He couldn't read. He couldn't write. He couldn't do math. He couldn't communicate. 

After what seemed like forever and was probably really closer to a month, Jesse was released into rehab. He had relearned my name, the biggest victory for me so far. He could speak but he wasn't making sense. He spent some time in inpatient rehab. Once he was released he spent time in outpatient rehab. He slowly learned to write, to read, to do math.

I was in complete denial about him returning to school. I thought come August we'd both be back at Schreiner. He was going to be living in the apartment across the walk. We were going to be seeing each other every day. I didn't want to go back without him. August came and I went to school and Jesse went to rehab. He eventually spent 6 months at a rehab faculty in Dripping Springs. The CORE setup specific rehab for his case and gave him responsibilities around the facility. I made many two hour trips there and back with Jesse in tow on the weekends. Quite a different experience checking your boyfriend out of rehab for a couple days and then checking him back in.

He overcame so much. I am one proud wife! He went back to college, after he was told he never would, and he earned a bachelor's degree. He worked harder than most to achieve his goals. He never let any of it stop him. 

Jesse never complains. I think I can count on one hand the number of times he was aggravated by any of it. 

It was hard. We had to play a lot of games of guess what Jesse is trying to say. We had to watch a math major count on his fingers. We had to watch Jesse struggle to read children's books. 

It was the biggest challenge either of us has gone through. But here we are today! Jesse still struggles a bit with all of these things; reading, writing, finding words. He has vision and hearing loss. He has short term memory problems. But he's here. He's living. He's reaching goals and working towards dreams. 

I am thankful everyday that God let me keep him. In that moment, in the ER, holding his hand, I knew he was my forever. Whatever the outcome of any of it. He was mine. 

He will be an inspiring role model for our kids. He is proof that hard work and determination pay off. 

My husband is a living, breathing TBI success story. 

So this month, more than others, we're going to celebrate his accomplishments. If you know someone with a TBI, be patient with them. Help them. Be there for them. It is not easy on the survivor or the caretakers but together people can make it through!

Anniversary Photos!

We also got our anniversary pictures last week! Enjoy!

One Year Anniversary!

We celebrated our one year anniversary this past weekend! We have been married MORE than a year :) I cannot believe how quickly time flies! It was one heck of a first year of marriage and if it's true what they say about the first being the hardest (I think I'll go ahead and say someone made that up), I think we'll be just fine for forever.

We started the weekend off right by going to eat burgers at The Bracken Store. That's where we had our rehearsal dinner. Grandma was in town so we all went for dinner.

Saturday was our actual anniversary. It was like Christmas all over again. I could not contain my excitement thus we were up at the crack of dawn. Since we were up anyway, we opened gifts in bed and then had cake for breakfast :) We had saved a hunk of our wedding cake and after one bite, we were both glad I had gone ahead and ordered an anniversary cake. Year old cake is not the greatest. I had gone to the store Friday and come home to set our dining room table up as if it could have been at our wedding. I found this great little wooden slice cake stand and everything!

Jesse got me two new charms for my Origami Owl necklace: a February stone and a 1. He also got me a custom puzzle as my "papery" gift.

I was so excited about Jesse's gift. I photoshopped the lyrics to our first dance song, "I Wanna Grow Old With You," onto his favorite wedding photo. Then I framed the picture with the note cards (his "paper" gift) that we wrote our vows on for the wedding. I knew we needed to do something special with them so I kept them after the wedding :)

 

We decided we wanted to do something nontraditional to celebrate so we decided to go play some paintball! We found a place in Boerne, Grandpa's, that would let us play some 1 vs. 1 and on teams. I have never played and it had been awhile since Jesse had so we are definitely amateurs. We first played one on one. This is when I had second thoughts! Jesse nailed me twice in the stomach and man did it hurt!! In total, I came home with 6 welts and Jesse had 2. Once we were on a team, I was shot in the chest and boy was that little guy ever proud of himself for shooting me. Although painful, we had a good time and left covered in electric yellow paint :)

Once we got home and got cleaned up, we went out for dinner at BJ's Brewhouse. It was super delicious! We started out with some mozzarella sticks that were awfully tasty. I had chicken fried steak and two kinds of potatoes for dinner and Jesse had Cajun chicken pasta. It was dessert that I was really excited about! Pizzokies! We had the trio: red velvet, chocolate chip, and Oreo (THE BEST ONE!). We for sure went home very stuffed!

I couldn't be more blessed to have Jesse in my life. He has certainly gone above and beyond in the husband department. Every day I feel more loved than the one before. I cannot wait to see what the next 100 years has in store for us!